How to Build Trust with Win/Win Agreements

Would you like to excel as a leader in your home, workplace, clubs, church, or leisure pursuits? Everyone needs to develop interpersonal leadership/relational skills because we are leaders in one way or another. Relational skills begin in childhood during playtime.

Stephen Covey explains five interpersonal interactions in the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. When you watch children play, see how many of the human interactions listed below are used. Also, note how the other children react. As you read the six paradigms of human interactions, think about how you interact with people and how they respond.

Six Paradigms of Human Interaction by Stephen Covey (Summarized)

• Win/Win is a mindset and attitude that always looks for mutual benefit in every human interaction. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions benefit everyone and leave everyone satisfied. It is based on the idea that there is enough for everyone, and one person’s success doesn’t come at the expense or exclusion of others. For example, a person wants to play a game, but the others do not. So, they negotiate a deal that benefits everyone, agreeing to play the game they want to play.
• Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach: “I get my way; you don’t get yours.” Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way. As a parent, the result is conditional love, which is detrimental to a young mind and heart, being highly vulnerable and highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents. The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the Win/Lose mentality. The academic world reinforces Win/Lose scripting. People are not graded against their potential or the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. Another powerful programming agent is competitive athletics, which is a leadership model that does not support healthy relationships or mutual cooperation.
• Lose/Win. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions, and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. This characterized my interactions for most of my life. But the problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion. If you realize this describes you, then my online book will help you uncover suppressed emotions and learn how to think Win/Win.
• Lose/Lose. Some people become so centered on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of another person, that they become blind to everything except their desire for the person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. It is also the thinking of the highly dependent person with no inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. They believe that by holding onto a grudge or resentment, they are somehow punishing the other person. But, in fact, they are drinking poison, hoping the other person dies. These people find it very hard to forgive because they think that if they do, then they would have to give up their anger. However, this anger and resentment are punishing their souls by blocking love, joy, and peace. Do you know someone like this?
• Win.  A person with the Win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends–and leaving it to others to secure theirs.

Win/Win or No Deal

No Deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably–No Deal. No expectations have been created, no performance contracts established.  I don’t hire you, or we don’t take on a particular assignment together, because it’s obvious that our values or our goals are going in opposite directions. When you have “No Deal” as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you do not need to manipulate people, push your agenda, or drive for what you want. The Win/Win or No Deal approach is most realistic at the beginning of a business relationship or enterprise. Of course, there are some relationships where No Deal is not viable. I wouldn’t abandon my child or my spouse and go for No Deal (it would be better, if necessary, to go for a compromise–a low form of Win/Win).

HABIT 4 THINK WIN/WIN–Principles of Interpersonal Leadership by Stephen Covey

Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is “Think Win/Win.”

Five Dimensions of Win/Win

1.    Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the Win/Win paradigm.

a. Integrity.  As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.

b. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.

c. Abundance Mentality is the attitude that there is plenty out there for everybody. People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit–even with those who help in the production. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.

2.    Relationships. Trust and a built up “Emotional Bank Account,” is the essence of Win/Win. Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity. Rarely is Win/Win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional Bank Account in the relationship. Also, the stronger you are spiritually and emotionally the more genuine your character. The more mentally healthy you are the higher your level of proactivity. The more committed you really are to Win/Win, the more powerful your influence will be with that other person. 

3.    Agreements. From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to Win/Win. In the Win/Win agreement, the following five elements are made very explicit: I used this method to create agreements with my children.

a.     Desired results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when, not controlling how it is done.

b.    Guidelines specify the parameters (principles, policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished.

c.     Resources identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available to help accomplish the results.

d.    Accountability sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation. People evaluate themselves, using the criteria that they themselves helped to create up front.

e.     Consequences specify–good and bad, natural and logical–what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation. There are basically four kinds of consequences (rewards and penalties) that management or parents can control.

• Financial (income, stock options, allowances, or penalties),
• Psychic (recognition, approval, respect, credibility, or the loss of them),
• Opportunity (development, training, perks, and other benefits), and
• Responsibility (scope of authority.)

Win/Win agreements are tremendously liberating. Stephen Covey shared the following. When my daughter turned 16, we set up a Win/Win agreement regarding use of the family car. We agreed that she would obey the laws of the land and that she would keep the car clean and properly maintained. We agreed that she would use the car only for responsible purposes and would serve as a cab driver for her mother and me within reason. And we also agreed that she would do all her other jobs cheerfully without being reminded. These were our wins. We also agreed that I would provide some resources–the car, gas, and insurance. And we agreed that she would meet weekly with me, usually on Sunday afternoon, to evaluate how she was doing based on our agreement. The consequences were clear. As long as she kept her part of the agreement, she could use the car. If she didn’t keep it, she would lose the privilege until she decided to.

4.    Systems.  If you want to achieve the goals and reflect the values in your mission statement, then you need to align the reward system with these goals and values. For Win/Win to work, the systems have to support it. The training system, the planning system, the communication system, the budgeting system, the information system, the compensation system–all have to be based on the principle of Win/Win. The spirit of Win/Win cannot survive in an environment of competition and contests. Often, the problem lies within the system, not in the people.

5.    Processes. First, consider the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. Second, identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved. Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. And fourth, identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Healthy Beliefs to Achieve Win/Win

1.  I will constantly seek mutual win/win benefits in all human interactions.

2.  I will build my character through integrity, maturity, and abundance mentality, in which there is plenty out there for everybody.

3.  I will be mature by expressing my feelings and convictions with courage, balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of others.

4.  I will develop trust in my relationships with people by building up their emotional bank accounts.

5.  I will write clear agreements that give definition and direction to a win/win situation. I will define the desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences.

6.  I will align all the supporting systems for win/win with the goals and values of my mission statement.

7.  I will seek to understand, then give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party, as well as or better than they can themselves.

8.  I will identify the key issues and concerns involved.

9.  I will determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. I will identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Conclusion

Win/Win is not a personality technique. It’s a healthy belief system about human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the “Abundance Mentality.” It grows out of high-trust relationships.  It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishment.  It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6.

RELATED POSTS:

GOD’S WIN/WIN AGREEMENTS

How to Have a Healthy Argument or Conflict

Practicing Healthy Conflicts – an Example.

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