What do you think of when you hear self-love and shame? What exactly is self-love? In the last post, I explained that rejection was the root of most depression. What does it feel like to be rejected or unintentionally rejected? I feel unworthy or unlikeable. Rejection hurts and causes a wound in our soul. Our childhood wounds cause us to react the same way we did as children.
My psychologist encouraged me to talk to the hurt little girl inside my adult body. I thought this was weird, but I followed her instructions. As I encouraged and was kind to the hurting little girl, I noticed I didn’t hurt as much. I comforted her when she felt rejected and angry. When I read parenting books to learn how to parent my children, I spoke to my inner child the way I wished my parents would have. I told the little girl she was valuable and worthy of being loved and that I loved her. My self-image improved, and I was not as insecure.
Shame-based Identity
Shame is what you believe about yourself because of trauma and rejection throughout your life. For me, shame became a part of my identity, which perpetuated shame throughout my adult life. You may feel you are flawed and unworthy of being loved. You may think no one can love you because you are not good enough or are ugly. Shame makes you act in self-sabotaging ways to keep people away so they don’t hurt you. You may not be aware that you have a shame-bound identity that is affecting how you think, feel, and act around others.
How do you know if you have a shame-bound identity?
- Do you seek validation from others and become depressed if you do not feel validated?
- Do you need to be a high achiever to prove your worth, and if you fail, you become depressed?
- Do you avoid having intimate relationships for fear you will be rejected?
- Are you overly anxious being around people?
- Do you find it easier to disassociate or detach from the present and live in a day-dreaming fantasy state?
- Do you have an addiction, which does not have to be drugs or alcohol? An addiction is anything you need to self-regulate and soothe your emotions. I wrote a post about addiction, which will help you understand the many addictions we can have.
You needn’t exhibit every symptom. I had most of them.
Sources of Shame
Inattentive or abusive parenting leads to shame and an insecure attachment style. Insecure people fear relationships because they don’t trust people to love them well. On the other hand, some insecure and shame-based people are overly clingy because they seek validation, which adds to feeling rejected when they feel ignored. Validation is seeking approval from others to affirm that you are acceptable and worthy. So, when you don’t feel validated or approved, you will feel rejected and often angry. This was the story of my life until God healed my painful memories and set me free from the stronghold of shame and sadness, which you can read about in Freedom from Humiliation and Mental Strongholds of Shame and Sadness.
I felt shame when I could not regulate my emotions toward others, which was humiliating. My classmates didn’t want to befriend me because I could not relate well to them, which further deepened my shame and rejection. Being poor and having learning problems also added to my shame and humiliation. Shame looks different for each person, resulting in a poor self-image and feeling insecure about your worth.
Because we live in a sinful world with sinful people, everyone will experience humiliation, shame, and rejection. You are not abnormal. It is quite possible that the person you work with feels the same way about themselves as you think about yourself.
The scope of shame is huge, and I won’t be able to cover every aspect, so if you want to learn more, do an internet search. If you discover through my post that you have debilitating shame, please find a trauma therapist who can help you work through shame-based painful memories. I will share what I did to remove shame from my identity.
How to Break Toxic Shame
The good news is that if you are a child of God (John 1:12), Jesus says you are worthy of love. Jesus said in John 13:34, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” You are the apple of His eye. Psalm 17:8 states, “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” He promises never to leave or forsake you and to help you when you call on Him (Hebrews 13:5-6). The other good news is that if you are not yet a child of God, you can be by believing and receiving Jesus’s forgiveness for your sins and accepting His Spirit into your heart (Eph. 3:16-17).
Healing past hurts and negative self-image helps you discover your true self and conquer shame and depression. Depending on how much shame you endured, this process will take a while, but it is worth it. Read my online book for more details and instructions.
First, find a quiet place to pray for about an hour. Ask God to search your mind and heart to reveal your painful memories associated with shame and poor self-image. Write them down as God brings them up, but do not relive them.
Second, for each painful memory, ask, “Whom do I need to forgive?” Tell the little child in you that it was not their fault and that nothing is wrong with them. The Bible says we must forgive those who sinned against us (Matt. 6:14 and Eph. 4:32), even if their sin is because of their trauma and shame. Forgiveness sets you free from the power of the painful memory.
Third, ask God to show you the unhealthy beliefs you develop about yourself, others, or God from that painful experience. Next, tell the hurting child in you that they are worthy to be loved, they are valuable, and that God loves them. Now, put off those unhealthy beliefs through prayer and in Jesus’ name. Put on true beliefs. Email me for 65 truths to believe about yourself at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com
Self-love Technique
You need to love yourself first before you can love others or receive love. As you go through the healing process, reaffirm that you have worth and value and are worthy of being loved. Early on in my healing process, I would stand in front of the mirror and tell my insecure, shame-based self that I was worthy to be loved, that I was not ugly, that I was a sinner saved by grace, and that I could give grace to others. I said other things, but you get the idea. Remember, people see you through their insecurity and will treat you based on their shame-based identity, so do not adopt their assessment of you. I have to remind myself of that all the time. We all want people to approve of us and treat us with value, but that is unrealistic because we live in a sinful world with equally flawed people. Even church people are dealing with childhood shame and trauma.
Love yourself today, and love someone else because they need it. Abide in God’s love because you need it. Know that I love you. Words have power, use them wisely.
RESOURCES AND RELATED POSTS
Uncover the lies that are destroying your life.
How to Overcome Depression by God’s Power
Adult Children of Alcoholics®& Dysfunctional Families
Healing Depression: The Role of Gut Health and Diet – February 23, 2025
How to Overcome Anxiety from Trauma Memories – February 8, 2025
- How to Treat General Depression Naturally -March 15, 2025
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw (I have not read this book, but it was recommended.)
May God bless you richly as you seek His help to be healthy.
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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.
If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.
Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles, which describes the many unhealthy beliefs that control our lives and what the truths are. To learn more about this book, read the post How to Fight Unseen Battles.
Contact me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com, and ask for a PDF of Eight Life-changing Prayers from the Bible. The prayers are for the Spirit of wisdom, renewal, spiritual strength, knowledge of His will, virtues of God, non-believers, 23rd Psalm, and victory. I will also send you the Lord’s Prayer Model to pray effectively. Please leave your name, so I know you are a real person making the request.
Hope for Complete Healing 