What makes an argument healthy or unhealthy? Why are people argumentative? How do you effectively communicate with an argumentative person? How do you overcome an argumentative spirit? This post answers these questions and how to have a healthy argument to resolve conflicts.
Unhealthy Arguing
We know argumentative individuals and what it means to be argumentative. Unhealthy arguing focuses on speaking your mind and proving you are right and the other person is wrong. An argumentative person does not care about the other person, only proving they are right. We are familiar with people who are disagreeable or oppositional about something or everything. So, how do you have a healthy argument with them? There are many articles about this topic, but the best way is to agree they are right even though you don’t entirely agree. Also, tell them something you like or are thankful for about them. This approach will appease the argumentative person’s pride, so you can ask them if you can share your perspective. Not always, but most of the time, if they know you agree with them, they are willing to hear your thoughts; more about that later. If they cross their arms, it means they are skeptical or really don’t want to listen to your perspective. If they don’t receive your input, give it to God in prayer because you can’t make them be open-minded. I have seen God work in amazing ways with people.
Most people who argue or oppose have a spirit of pride. Pride says, I am better than you, and you can’t tell me what to do or imply I am wrong. A prideful person does not value others’ desires or thoughts, only their own. They will call you names and accuse you of being wrong and doing things you did not do to shame you for disagreeing with or opposing them. Modern-day psychology would say a prideful person is a narcissist, and that is true.
No one wins an unhealthy argument, and everyone feels resentful. Resentment is the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult (Dictionary.com, 2025). People want to feel appreciated, valued, and having worth. When resentment sets in, no one wins, and the relationship deteriorates. Working through resentment requires forgiving and asking God to transform unhealthy beliefs about yourself and the other person involved. My website book explains how to overcome resentment.
Healthy Arguing
A healthy argument is when two or more people humbly and respectfully present their points of view and genuinely care about the other people involved. Sometimes, you want to convince or persuade someone to do something or believe a certain way. For example, I grew up in both a Republican and Democrat family. I understand both perspectives and respect people who hold either ideology. As an adult, I made a moral choice to be Republican because I believe God creates life, and all life is valuable in his sight, so aborting a baby because you don’t want it is a sin. Now, I try to persuade or convince my democrat friends why abortion is killing a baby with a heartbeat at 10 weeks and why adoption is a better choice. I worked for a Crisis Pregnancy Center in a college town and became the Assistant Director for several years. I was never successful at convincing my Democrat friends to value the life of a baby. I did convince a few young, pregnant college girls to either keep their baby or give it up for adoption.
Suppose you desire a change in your family but expect conflict. You must understand that no one likes to change because we tend to be selfish and self-centered and want things our way. You may wish to resolve a conflict caused by a friend or relative. In my last post, I explained how to respond to criticism in a healthy way. When you discuss conflicting desires and perspectives, it may feel like criticism. Reread my last post to understand and resolve your internal conflict with criticism.
Healthy Strategy for Resolving Conflicts
I have a great strategy for resolving conflict that my husband and I use successfully to discuss sensitive topics. We were taught this in a relationship class. The goal is to build understanding and connection. I call it the pen method, but any object will work. We use a pen, because you can easily find one. The rules of engagement are never to say “you” but only “I feel…” or “I hope…”, “I look forward to…”, and so on. Remember, every conflict or argument has different perspectives. You want to help the other person see your perspective and understand theirs. Before you begin, pray for God’s humble spirit to guide you and to give each of you understanding. Remember, “Do all things with love (1Cor. 16:14).”
- The person with the object (i.e., a pen) calmly and respectfully shares their feelings or desired outcome. They identify the conflict from their perspective.
- Hand the pen to the other person, who says, “Let me see if I understand…” “Is that what you feel (or mean or want)…?”
- If they say no, either hand the pen back or ask a clarification question and return it to the other person so they can explain their perspective again.
- The other person is actively listening and trying to understand, not thinking about their perspective only and how to convince the other person to accept their perspective.
- Continue until the issue is understood.
- The second person now has the pen and will use “I” statements. Remember, you want to keep the focus on your perspective without being critical. Your goal is to resolve the conflict, not escalate the conflict that will build up resentment and destroy the relationship.
- Once the problem or issue is understood, work through a solution because each person has a different perspective on resolving the conflict or reaching a desired outcome.
- Remember to stay humble, respectful, and empathetic. Everything we do is to be done in love.
- The solution or expectations need to be reasonable and mutually agreed upon.
You may be thinking, “Yeah, that sounds great, but I am dealing with a narcissist.” Pray and give it to God because you can only change yourself and your attitude; you can’t change anyone else.
Many articles explain how to have healthy conflicts. The following article is not the same pen method for resolving conflict. Improving Connection When it Counts – Using the PEN Method: Shifting from disagreements to connection during holidays and beyond.
If you want a PDF of the Victory Plan to Overcome Anger, Anxiety, and Depression, email me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com, which helps you have a healthy mindset for healthy conflicts.
RELATED POSTS
How to Eliminate the “My Way is Better” Belief to Sustain Peace
How to Convert Pridefulness to Gentleness and Humility
How Does a Wise Person Treat Other People?
A Wise Person Seeks Peace and Reconciliation
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