Are you emotionally affected by what people say or do? How do you feel when someone is unkind to you or is upset with you? Some people couldn’t care less about what others say or do, yet others like me are very sensitive to the slightest criticism or rejection. A co-worker told me that I don’t have to give people power over me. I think of that statement often. So today, I am going to write about how to overcome controlling thoughts.
Last week I wrote about “How to Increase Emotional Intelligence.” If you haven’t read that post yet, please do so. In this post, I want to expand on the concepts in last week’s post. Without a healthy spiritual life, you will be tossed about by every wind of doctrine or someone’s feelings or convictions that may not be based on truth (Eph. 4:14).
Controlled by Our Thoughts.
We all want to be accepted, respected, and loved, so when someone is rude or critical toward us, we feel offended. The offense may not be intentional, but we interpret their words or actions as offensive. So, we are really being controlled by our thoughts and how we interpret the other person’s words or actions. For example, I was working on transforming a cargo van into a camper van. My mother-in-law criticized my work. I became offended and upset. What should I have done instead?
- I should have taken captive her critical words and said, “That is your opinion (or something like that). Remember, we all want approval, so I took her comment as disapproval, which made me mad. Then she got offended when I became offended.
- I have a choice: either let other people’s words or actions into my mind or put them out as I do the trash.
- I could have thanked her for her observation and let her words drop to the ground. I have the choice to take offense or let it go, unless a personal boundary is crossed.
- We become offended and controlled by our thoughts when we are disappointed. So, recognize that you are disappointed by an unmet expectation, voice your disappointment, but do not give in to the temptation to say something mean or demeaning. Do your best not to phrase your disappointment as a criticism, but say, “I felt… when you said (or did)….”
- Not returning a mean or sarcastic comment when you feel offended is hard; that is where emotional intelligence and Spiritual maturity come in. I must admit, I am not as quick as I need to be at taking offensive thoughts captive. But I am getting quicker at recognizing and correcting them and not letting them control my feelings or ruin my relationships with people.
How To Stop Being Controlled by Other People’s Feelings.
Because we instinctively want approval, most people want to please others to win their approval. How do you feel when someone is unkind to you or is upset with you? I feel hurt or rejected. How about you? How do you feel? Again, we are allowing others’ feelings to create thoughts of insecurity, anger, or sadness. So, what should we do when someone’s feelings control our thoughts and emotions?
- Recognize what you are feeling and the thoughts you have about the situation that is controlling your feelings. For example, my husband was trying to be helpful, but he felt I was not appreciative enough (his expectation was not met), so he was mad. This controlled how I felt, and my pride showed up to back up that I was appreciative, and I didn’t need to kiss his butt.
- I took my hurt feelings captive and humbled myself to talk to him about not meeting his expectations and how my expectations were not met, which hurt my feelings. He then justified his hurt feelings and said mean things, so I left. I humbled myself again and said that we should not go to bed angry, so I put off my hurt feelings and focused on what I could be thankful for.
- Remember, Satan does not want us to live in peace. He is always sowing strife to create chaos and division. Recognizing this will help you put off your pride, humble yourself to apologize for not meeting the other person’s expectations, and ask for their forgiveness.
- Forgiveness is the key to peace and joy. If the other person still wants to be hurt and angry, then you may need to set boundaries, but let them work through their hurt. Sometimes they will stay offended no matter what you do. Recognize that you cannot control how someone feels or what they do; you can only control how you feel and what you do.
Conclusion
People will have a bad day or feel like being mean; you don’t have to let their feelings or words control you. Be mindful to give grace because you may need grace from others when you are having a bad, frustrating day. For example, I have a neighbor who is ornery and yells at everyone. He came over, yelled at me, and threatened to call the EPA because I was putting leaves in the stream that flowed by my house. I live in the woods, and tree leaves blow into the stream all the time. I did not allow his unkind words or threats to affect my mood or thoughts. To learn how to do this, read my last post on how to increase your emotional intelligence.
RELATED POSTS
Healthy Boundaries for Toxic Emotions and People
The Link Between Disappointment, Resentment, and Self-control
How to Develop Emotional Resilience
*********************
All verses are from the English Standard Version. If you find my posts and website helpful, please share this link with your friends and family: hopeforcompletehealing.com. The information is copyright protected. Please do not reproduce any part of the posts or my book without proper citation to Joyce Hanscom and this website.
My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.
If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.
Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles, which describes the many unhealthy beliefs that control our lives and what the truths are. To learn more about this book, read the post How to Fight Unseen Battles.
Contact me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com, and ask for a PDF of Eight Life-changing Prayers from the Bible. The prayers are for the Spirit of wisdom, renewal, spiritual strength, knowledge of His will, virtues of God, non-believers, 23rd Psalm, and victory. I will also send you the Lord’s Prayer Model to pray effectively. Please leave your name, so I know you are a real person making the request.
Hope for Complete Healing 