Relationship – Page 2 – Hope for Complete Healing

How to Build Trust with Win/Win Agreements

Would you like to excel as a leader in your home, workplace, clubs, church, or leisure pursuits? Everyone needs to develop interpersonal leadership/relational skills because we are leaders in one way or another. Relational skills begin in childhood during playtime.

Stephen Covey explains five interpersonal interactions in the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. When you watch children play, see how many of the human interactions listed below are used. Also, note how the other children react. As you read the six paradigms of human interactions, think about how you interact with people and how they respond.

Six Paradigms of Human Interaction by Stephen Covey (Summarized)

Win/Win is a mindset and attitude that always looks for mutual benefit in every human interaction. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions benefit everyone and leave everyone satisfied. It is based on the idea that there is enough for everyone, and one person’s success doesn’t come at the expense or exclusion of others. For example, a person wants to play a game, but the others do not. So, they negotiate a deal that benefits everyone, agreeing to play the game they want to play.
Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach: “I get my way; you don’t get yours.” Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way. As a parent, the result is conditional love, which is detrimental to a young mind and heart, being highly vulnerable and highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents. The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the Win/Lose mentality. The academic world reinforces Win/Lose scripting. People are not graded against their potential or the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. Another powerful programming agent is competitive athletics, which is a leadership model that does not support healthy relationships or mutual cooperation.
Lose/Win. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions, and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. This characterized my interactions for most of my life. But the problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion. If you realize this describes you, then my online book will help you uncover suppressed emotions and learn how to think Win/Win.
Lose/Lose. Some people become so centered on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of another person, that they become blind to everything except their desire for the person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. It is also the thinking of the highly dependent person with no inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. They believe that by holding onto a grudge or resentment, they are somehow punishing the other person. But, in fact, they are drinking poison, hoping the other person dies. These people find it very hard to forgive because they think that if they do, then they would have to give up their anger. However, this anger and resentment are punishing their souls by blocking love, joy, and peace. Do you know someone like this?
Win. A person with the Win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends–and leaving it to others to secure theirs.

Win/Win or No Deal

No Deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably–No Deal. No expectations have been created, no performance contracts established. I don’t hire you, or we don’t take on a particular assignment together, because it’s obvious that our values or our goals are going in opposite directions. When you have “No Deal” as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you do not need to manipulate people, push your agenda, or drive for what you want. The Win/Win or No Deal approach is most realistic at the beginning of a business relationship or enterprise. Of course, there are some relationships where No Deal is not viable. I wouldn’t abandon my child or my spouse and go for No Deal (it would be better, if necessary, to go for a compromise–a low form of Win/Win).

HABIT 4 THINK WIN/WIN–Principles of Interpersonal Leadership by Stephen Covey

Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is “Think Win/Win.”

Five Dimensions of Win/Win

1. Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the Win/Win paradigm.

a. Integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.

b. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.

c. Abundance Mentality is the attitude that there is plenty out there for everybody. People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit–even with those who help in the production. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.

2. Relationships. Trust and a built up “Emotional Bank Account,” is the essence of Win/Win. Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity. Rarely is Win/Win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional Bank Account in the relationship. Also, the stronger you are spiritually and emotionally the more genuine your character. The more mentally healthy you are the higher your level of proactivity. The more committed you really are to Win/Win, the more powerful your influence will be with that other person.

3. Agreements. From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to Win/Win. In the Win/Win agreement, the following five elements are made very explicit: I used this method to create agreements with my children.

a. Desired results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when, not controlling how it is done.

b. Guidelines specify the parameters (principles, policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished.

c. Resources identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available to help accomplish the results.

d. Accountability sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation. People evaluate themselves, using the criteria that they themselves helped to create up front.

e. Consequences specify–good and bad, natural and logical–what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation. There are basically four kinds of consequences (rewards and penalties) that management or parents can control.

Financial (income, stock options, allowances, or penalties),
Psychic (recognition, approval, respect, credibility, or the loss of them),
Opportunity (development, training, perks, and other benefits), and
Responsibility (scope of authority.)

Win/Win agreements are tremendously liberating. Stephen Covey shared the following. When my daughter turned 16, we set up a Win/Win agreement regarding use of the family car. We agreed that she would obey the laws of the land and that she would keep the car clean and properly maintained. We agreed that she would use the car only for responsible purposes and would serve as a cab driver for her mother and me within reason. And we also agreed that she would do all her other jobs cheerfully without being reminded. These were our wins. We also agreed that I would provide some resources–the car, gas, and insurance. And we agreed that she would meet weekly with me, usually on Sunday afternoon, to evaluate how she was doing based on our agreement. The consequences were clear. As long as she kept her part of the agreement, she could use the car. If she didn’t keep it, she would lose the privilege until she decided to.

4. Systems. If you want to achieve the goals and reflect the values in your mission statement, then you need to align the reward system with these goals and values. For Win/Win to work, the systems have to support it. The training system, the planning system, the communication system, the budgeting system, the information system, the compensation system–all have to be based on the principle of Win/Win. The spirit of Win/Win cannot survive in an environment of competition and contests. Often, the problem lies within the system, not in the people.

5. Processes. First, consider the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. Second, identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved. Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. And fourth, identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Healthy Beliefs to Achieve Win/Win

1. I will constantly seek mutual win/win benefits in all human interactions.

2. I will build my character through integrity, maturity, and abundance mentality, in which there is plenty out there for everybody.

3. I will be mature by expressing my feelings and convictions with courage, balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of others.

4. I will develop trust in my relationships with people by building up their emotional bank accounts.

5. I will write clear agreements that give definition and direction to a win/win situation. I will define the desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences.

6. I will align all the supporting systems for win/win with the goals and values of my mission statement.

7. I will seek to understand, then give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party, as well as or better than they can themselves.

8. I will identify the key issues and concerns involved.

9. I will determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. I will identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Conclusion

Win/Win is not a personality technique. It’s a healthy belief system about human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the “Abundance Mentality.” It grows out of high-trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishment. It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6.

RELATED POSTS:

GOD’S WIN/WIN AGREEMENTS

How to Have a Healthy Argument or Conflict

Practicing Healthy Conflicts – an Example.

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All verses are from the English Standard Version. If you find my posts and website helpful, please share this link with your friends and family: hopeforcompletehealing.com. The information is copyright protected. Please do not reproduce any part of the posts or my book without proper citation to Joyce Hanscom and this website.

If you find this website helpful, you will benefit from the latest book. You can order Breaking Mental Strongholds on Amazon.

Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles found on Amazon. I would love to hear what you think. To learn more about my book, read: How to Fight Unseen Battles.

Contact me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com and ask for a PDF of Eight Life-Changing Prayers from the Bible. The prayers are for the Spirit of wisdom, renewal, spiritual strength, knowledge of His will, virtues of God, non-believers, the 23rd Psalm, and victory. I will also send you the Lord’s Prayer Model to pray effectively. Please leave your name, so I know you are a real person making the request.

MENTALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE PRIORITIZE

Do you feel like you don’t have time to spend with your family? Or, do you sometimes say, you don’t have time to accomplish your to-do list? The principle of putting first things first is about personal management. In this post, you will learn how to organize your life around priorities that align with your individual goals. I am sharing insights from Stephen Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” Habit Three: Put First Things First. Too often, we allow problems to control our time, which is stressful and emotionally draining.

The Four Areas Of Time Management That Control Us Are.

Quadrant 1. Urgent essential needs and crisis management. Things like deadline-driven projects, health needs, or crises. Feeling you need to assist others with their immediate challenges.

Quadrant 2. Important needs but not urgent. Activities that prevent a problem from happening, investing in relationships, planning recreation, and working toward goals.

Quadrant 3. Urgent, non-important needs. Like responding to social media posts, emails, or phone messages, going through the mail, and maybe popular activities that do not contribute to your goals.

Quadrant 4. Not important, and not urgent. These are time-wasters, such as scrolling through social media posts, watching TV, YouTubing, gaming, and so on.

Staying Mentally Healthy and Fulfilled.

When you accomplish a goal or principle, how does it make you feel? My mental health improves when I accomplish a priority, even small ones like taking out the trash or dusting. The more you stay in the second quadrant of time management, the less you will deal with crisis management in the first quadrant. Also, limit your time on non-important tasks or activities in quadrants three and four that steal valuable time you can never get back. Mental health improves when you avoid all tasks or activities that do not help you accomplish the things that are important or align with your principles. For example, if you want to exercise, plus learn Scripture, you could go for a walk and memorize Scripture or pray, instead of watching TV and eating chips.

Quadrant II Organizing Involves Four Key Activities:

IDENTIFYING ROLES. The first task is to write down your key roles. Individual, Husband/Father, Wife/Mother, Chairman United Way, Real Estate Salesperson, Board Member, Sunday School Teacher, and so on.

SELECTING GOALS. The next step is to think of two or three important results you feel you should accomplish in each role during the next seven days.

SCHEDULING. Now you can look at the week ahead with your goals in mind and schedule time to achieve them.

DAILY ADAPTING. With Quadrant II weekly organizing, daily planning becomes more of a function of daily adapting, or prioritizing activities and responding to unanticipated events, relationships, and experiences in a meaningful way.

Stephan Covey shares the following computer metaphor: Habit 1 says “You’re the programmer,” and Habit 2 says “Write the program,” then Habit 3 says, “Run or live the program.” The popularity of reacting to the urgent but unimportant priorities of other people in quadrant III or the pleasure of escaping to Quadrant IV will threaten to overpower the important Quadrant II activities you have planned.

If you have Habit 2 deeply ingrained in your heart and mind, you are driven by those higher values. You can align your schedule with those values with integrity, but you can also be flexible. You don’t need to feel guilty when you don’t meet your scheduled goals or when you have to change your schedule. When I don’t write down the goals I need or want to accomplish that week and make time for them, then I feel depressed or anxious.

For example, I have an overnight guest coming in a week. I have several tasks to complete to prepare for my visitor. I have to identify the tasks that I need to do, then I schedule them throughout the week, so when my guest comes, I am not anxious or depressed about what still needs to be done.

Healthy Beliefs to Put First Things First.

1. I will organize and execute around priorities.

2. I will not be problem-minded but opportunity-minded.

3. I will not react to the urgent but unimportant priorities of other people in Quadrant III or the pleasure of escaping to Quadrant IV.

4. I will think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things.

5. I will define my roles and goals for the week, then schedule those goals at the beginning of each week.

6. I will use stewardship delegation and focus on results instead of methods, or gofer delegation.

Conclusion

I have been writing about how to improve mental health this year. Go to my mental health page to read these posts.

Review Habit 1:

10 Ways to be Proactive Instead of Reactive

HOW TO BE PROACTIVE: cont.

Review Habit 2:

TWELVE WAYS TO ACHIEVE HEALTHY GOALS

Three ways to Unlock Your Potential: Achieving Goals Continued.

A MENTALLY HEALTHY PERSON IS PRINCIPLE-CENTERED.

THE GREATEST PRINCIPLE TO LIVE BY

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of promises relevant to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles, which describes the many unhealthy beliefs that control our lives and what the truths are. To learn more about this book, read the post How to Fight Unseen Battles.

10 Ways to Build an Emotional Bank Account

Who do you like? The person who encourages you, or the critical person? Which person are you? We prefer elevating people, wouldn’t you agree? Your emotional bank account is strong when you feel safe because you trust the person you are with or are friends with. Do your children, spouse, or family feel safe around you, and can they trust you to be in control of your emotions? If you discover that you have made withdrawals from your children, spouse, or family, you can now make deposits. It takes time to regain trust and rebuild a healthy relationship.

Make Meaningful Deposits

What is a meaningful deposit for you may not be meaningful to the other person. Learn what is important to the other person and value them by making meaningful deposits. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman explains five different ways to show love:

Words of affirmation,
Quality time,
Receiving gifts,
Acts of service, and
Physical touch.

My love language is acts of service and affirmation. My husband’s love language is physical touch and affirmation. He struggles to do acts of service, but when he does, I feel valued and loved. I struggle with giving physical touch because of my abusive past, but when I do, he feels valued and loved. I now give more physical touch as I heal my traumatic memories.

How to Intentionally Build a Strong Emotional Account with Someone.

First, you need to value the other person as much as you value yourself. Second, seek to understand what is meaningful to that person. In my last post, I explained the greatest principle to live by. That principle is love. We all fundamentally need to feel loved and valued. Remember, we are made in the image of God, and He is love, who wants to be loved with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. God wants us to love others as He does. People are tender and sensitive to even slight rejection, even if unintentional. Someone may appear tough and unfazed by rejection, but deep down, they are a wounded child who is shut down, and it still hurts.

So, how do you build someone’s emotional bank account? I extrapolated the following 10 ways to build up a person’s emotional bank account from Stephen Covey’s book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

1. I will make deposits into people’s emotional bank accounts through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments. If I make a withdrawal, I will quickly apologize.

2. I will listen and seek to understand what is important to the other person.

3. I will let you feel my concern and acceptance.

4. I will show understanding and make deposits by giving them my full attention.

5. I will attend to the important little things to those in my life.

6. I will keep my commitments and promises to build trust.

7. I will clarify expectations regarding roles and goals to prevent misunderstandings and disappointment.

8. I will show personal integrity by being honest, keeping my promises, fulfilling expectations, being loyal to those present, and refraining from unwholesome speech.

9. I will apologize from my heart when I make a withdrawal.

10. I will see my children’s or people’s problems as an opportunity to build a relationship, rather than a negative, burdensome irritation.

When we model these ten ways to build a person’s emotional bank account, especially children, then it teaches and inspires them to do the same. To do this requires that you feel secure and have a healed heart from the many wounds from the withdrawals you endured throughout your life. As you read these 10 ways to build an emotional bank account, did some painful memories pop up, or resentment toward someone? Read the post WHY HEAL YOUR HEART AND PURIFY YOUR SOUL? Our painful memories control our thoughts and emotions, which makes us unsafe emotionally. When you heal your memories, you will be mentally healthy and able to build trusting, healthy relationships. Refer to my online book to begin healing your memories.

HOW MEMORIES INFLUENCE OUR THINKING, EMOTIONS, AND BEHAVIOR

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

THE GREATEST PRINCIPLE TO LIVE BY

Do you want to succeed in your relationships and your work? What principles do you follow to achieve your goals? In the l a st post, I explained how mentally healthy people live a principle-centered life. Unhealthy individuals are reactive, anxious, and depressed as external life issues control them. What healthy principles do you live by to maintain your mental health? This post is longer than usual, but please read to the end to know how to succeed in every aspect of your life.

Biblical principles guide you in the way of prosperity and success. Joshua 1:8 states, “This Book of the Law [God’s Principles] shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” I know you can point to ungodly people who never read the Bible, who appear to be successful, but success relates to every area of one’s life, including mental health.

God’s central principle is to love Him and love one another. God gave the 10 Commandments to show how He wants us to love Him and to love others. These formed God’s initial directives for the Israelites after rescuing them from Egyptian slavery. The first four commandments outline how to love God: 1. Make Him number one in your life; 2. Do not worship or serve idols or any created thing; 3. Do not use His name in vain; and 4. Keep the Sabbath day holy. The next six are how to love others: 5. Honor your father and mother; 6. Do not murder; 7. Do not commit adultery; 8. Do not steal; 9. Do not lie; and 10. Do not covet (crave what someone else has). How are you doing following these essential principles? When we adhere to these principles, we will achieve success and prosperity in our relationships and throughout life.

God Loved Us First to Show Us How to Love.

God showed how much He loved us by sending His son, who willingly came to earth to take the punishment for our sins so we can be reconciled to Him through the forgiveness of our sins (trespasses, iniquities, and debts). 1 John 4:9-12, 17 states, “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. ¹⁷By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. You cannot love as Christ loves if you do not love Him and do not live through Him (vs. 9). Also read Ephesians 1:7-10 and John 13:34-35. For many of us, we struggle to feel God’s love because of past disappointments by those who should have loved us but instead hurt us.

How Do You Feel God’s Love?

Experiencing trauma may make it difficult for you to feel or understand love if you have never felt loved. Know that receiving Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit then fills you with Christ’s love and helps you love well. Ephesians 3:16-19 states, “That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Being filled with all the fullness of God is an incredible experience. Have you experienced God’s fullness? To experience God’s fullness in your life and bear the fruit of a Christ-centered life, you must abide (remain in; dwell) in Him, and His Words abiding in you. You can’t love and be Christ-centered in your own power; I tried and failed.

John 15:1-5 states, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. ²Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. (God wants to prune all the hurt and offense from your heart, so you can experience His fullness and love.)

⁴Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:9-10; As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. ¹⁰If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.

So, How Do You Abide in Jesus and His Love?

1. Make Him Lord of your life and submit to Him by obeying His instructions and principles. 1Peter 4:8 states, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

2. Pray continually and tell Him your struggles and needs and ask Him for His provision, comfort, wisdom, love, etc. (Phil. 4:6-7).

3. Acknowledge you don’t know how to love as He loves. Ask Him to search your heart and mind, and show you where you sinned or were wounded, and to heal those memories (Jer. 17:9-10). My online book provides instructions on how to do this.

4. Read the Word of God every day and meditate on His principles that give you success in all you do (Ps. 1:1-3). Ask God to reveal the unhealthy beliefs you hold that influence your emotions and behavior. Hebrews 4:12 explains, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Reading God’s Word reveals the unhealthy beliefs we must put off and the true beliefs we must put on (2Tim. 3:16-17).

5. Repent of the sins that God shows you as you read and abide in His word (Acts 3:19). Psalms 139:23-24 states, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! ²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

So, How Well Do You Love?

The following verses explain what Christ-centered love is. My online book provides a detailed explanation of these verses and offers guidance on how to apply them to your life. Rate how well you are doing.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6;

Love is patient and kind; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love does not envy or boast; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love is not arrogant ⁵or rude. (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love does not insist on its own way; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love is not irritable; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love is not resentful; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

1 John 3:16-18; By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. ¹⁷But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? ¹⁸Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Forgive as He forgave you.

To release the power of life-changing love, you need to forgive. Forgiving someone who hurt you is hard to do, but because God forgave your sins, you can forgive others their sins. This is a key principle to live by because forgiveness removes the curse and power of the offense you have towards the person who sinned against you. Additionally, when we fail to forgive, God says He will not forgive our sins, which separates us from Him (Matt. 6:15). Jesus explains the principle of forgiveness in the following parable, which illustrates what will happen when we don’t forgive, as found in Matthew 18:21-35. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” And Mark 11:25 states, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Forgiveness is a vital component of loving others well.

Have Christ’s attitude of humility.

To forgive and love others as Christ does requires humility. Humility is the absence of self-centered pride that only thinks about themselves and not what is best for others as well (1Peter 5:5b-7). The following scriptures helped me to repent of my self-centered, controlling pride and to love my family better. Philippians 2:3-8; Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. ⁸And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. I explain these principles in the post The Core Negative Heart Issue.

Conclusion

By now, you figured out that the greatest principle to live by is love. Love is powerful. Love heals mental health issues by replacing anxious, self-centered thoughts with hope, patience, kindness, humility, forgiveness, and so on. We can’t love well unless we are abiding in Jesus, the life-giving vine. Only as we abide in Him, love Him, and obey Him can we love those who are difficult to love. If you find it hard to love and feel loved, please read my online book, Hope For Complete Healing, to work through the issues that prevent you from receiving God’s love. We are all sinners in need of forgiveness, so we all have wounds from those who sinned against us, and whom we have wounded. If we make God’s love the principle that guides our thoughts and actions, then we will not sin against anyone.

RELATED POSTS:

LOVE Issues

Relationship and World-Changing Kindness

How to Dig up the Unforgiving Belief to Grow in Love

HOW PRIDE DESTROYS

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

TWELVE WAYS TO ACHIEVE HEALTHY GOALS

Have you ever wondered what people would think about you once you’re gone? Are you tired of never achieving your ideal life? Do you struggle to stay focused on achieving your goals? I have noticed how mentally unhealthy people live a chaotic life, and they go from one crisis to another. Your life may not be that bad, but is it your best? What could you improve? This post will explain how to set and achieve goals and live your healthiest, best life.

A mentally healthy person thinks grateful, productive thoughts. Before my memory healing, I could not control my thoughts because my unhealthy beliefs from hurtful memories controlled my thoughts. I could not have a healthy relationship with anyone. Since healing my memories, I can now take my pitiful, negative thoughts captive and transform them into positive, thankful thoughts. You may think you had a wonderful childhood, and that could be the case, but we live in a sinful, hurting world. No one evades getting a wounded heart. Often, a positive attitude hides the wounds, but they still exist and contribute to mental illness. One goal is to achieve mental health by healing the wounds in your heart.

After leaving my abusive husband, I had a goal to know how a mentally healthy person acts. I knew I was part of the problem and needed to change. But how? Going to counseling, church, Bible Studies, and reading my Bible did not change how I thought; I just felt more guilty. One of the books I read was Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. In my last two posts, I discussed the first habit: being proactive and taking the initiative. The second habit is cultivating thoughts to achieve a desired outcome.

The first thought discipline of the 12 ways changed the trajectory of my life. I wanted to be seen as a kind person, not an angry one. What would people say about me at my funeral? As I reflected on how people perceive me, I began to make a conscious choice to make emotionally healthy choices. However, I first had to heal the hurtful memories that kept me angry. I explain how I did this in my book, Breaking Mental Strongholds, and in my website book, which is a condensed version.

I consolidated the second habit into twelve disciplines and right beliefs. I highly recommend reading Stephen Covey’s book to learn how I developed these twelve healthy ways of thinking to achieve your best life.

HABIT 2―Begin with the End in Mind

“By keeping that end clearly in mind, you can make certain that whatever you do on any particular day does not violate the criteria you have defined as supremely important, and that each day of your life contributes in a meaningful way to the vision you have of your life as a whole.” Stephen Covey.

I will keep the end of my life clearly in my mind. What do I want others to say at my funeral?
I will make sure my life contributes each day in a meaningful way to the vision of my life.
I will use my unique human capacities of self-awareness, imagination, and conscience to examine old scripts and write new ones.
I will determine if my ladder is leaning against the right wall.
I will live out of my imagination instead of my memory.
I will tie myself to my limitless potential, rather than my limiting past.
I will develop and use a personal mission statement based on sound (Biblical) principles.
I will be principle-centered, not spouse-centered, family-centered, money-centered, work-centered, possession-centered, pleasure-centered, friend-centered, enemy-centered, church-centered, or self-centered. I will be Christ-centered, showing love to everyone.
As a principle-centered person, I will try to separate myself from the emotion of the situation and from other factors that might affect me and evaluate the options.
I will imagine myself practicing my personal mission statement.
I will define goals for each of my roles according to the principles in my mission statement to achieve a balance.
I will develop and use a family mission statement to improve my family and our response to crisis.

Example of a Mission Statement?

A mission is setting goals to achieve something or create a desired outcome. For example, I produced the following personal mission statements and explained how to accomplish them.

My guiding principle is 2 Corinthians 5:10, which states, “For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” What I do will have eternal value or contribute to it.

My life will reflect the following principles: 2Corinthians 5:14a&15b, which states, “For the love of Christ controls us (me), … those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.”

In my work, I will pray for those I work with and be kind in what I say and do.
In my home, I will give preference to my family’s interests and desires; Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4) Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
I will encourage my family to love God and to pursue holiness as I show them love and live in peace with them; Ephesians 4:2-3, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
In my church family, I will value my brothers and sisters in Christ by acknowledging them, saying a kind word, or doing a kind deed. I will testify to the power of God’s Word to transform my life and their lives.

I will be heavenly-minded and not worldly-minded.

I will seek to support Christian missions in growing the kingdom of God.
I will fill my mind with scripture and memorize it so I do not sin: Psalm 119:11, “I have hidden Your Word in my heart, so that I might not sin against You.”
I will not view worthless things that do not inspire me to do good and love well. (see Ps. 119:37, Ps 101:3).
I will do 1Thessalonians 5:16-18 to.

Rejoice always by thinking on the things above—Col. 3:1-3;

pray without ceasing and turn every thought into a prayer;

give thanks in all circumstances and not grumble or complain because I am His workmanship—Ephesians 2:10 and Philippians 2:13.

I will not seek to fulfill the desires that draw me away from my devotion to God.
I will not desire worldly possessions beyond reasonable needs.

I will make my time count for eternity.

To bless others through serving them as Christ did when He was on this earth (Matt. 20:28; Phil 2:3-7).
Seek and save the lost (Luke 19:1) by leading people to a saving knowledge of Christ Jesus through my blog, at the County jail, and Good News Clubs. 1John 4:17 states, “By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.”
Teach Sunday School.
Hand out New Testament Bibles and be a good witness of the love of Christ.

I wrote the above mission statement in 1999 after reading about Habit 2. I still live by this mission. I hope and pray you found this post helpful and encouraging.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

Contact me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com, and ask for a PDF of Eight Life-changing Prayers from the Bible. The prayers are for the Spirit of wisdom, renewal, spiritual strength, knowledge of His will, virtues of God, non-believers, 23rd Psalm, and victory. I will also send you the Lord’s Prayer Model to pray effectively. Please leave your name, so I know you are a real person making the request.

HOW TO BE PROACTIVE: cont.

Would you change anything about yourself or your life? Making changes is risky, and doing something hard is scary. You may fail, but you will never know the possibilities if you don’t take the risk. Being proactive means you evaluate your options, the risks, and the possibilities. You then make a decision based on your evaluation and desired outcomes. Being proactive means you take the initiative to make things happen even when it does not make sense or is difficult. In my last post, I shared the 10 ways to be proactive, the first being, “I can choose my response.” “I will use proactive language: ‘I choose to be thankful.’ ‘I am in control of my feelings and will forgive.’ ‘Let’s look at the alternatives.’” In this post, I will explain how to apply the other ways to be proactive.

Proactively Achieve Desirable Outcomes

Proverbs 10:4 states, “A slack hand causes poverty, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.” Being proactive requires diligence even when it is hard. I wanted to go to college even though I wasn’t smart. My mother said I was too dumb. I applied anyway and was accepted. I had to take the SAT twice to get the minimum score to be accepted into college. Another traumatic issue was that my mother did not support me or help me in any way. I had to drive myself to college when all the other students had their parents bring them. I also had to work part-time to pay my bills. This experience was tough, but I learned I can do anything I set my mind to doing with God’s help. I never gave up. I am happy I proactively took the risk to attend college because many great opportunities were available. Are you diligent in doing things that are hard to achieve something desirable?

Do you want to change a sinful habit or addiction? It is tough to break sinful patterns and addictions. Ephesians 4:22-24 explains, “To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Rather than living a defeated life because of my old life, I proactively sought counselors, read self-help books, memorized scriptures, and prayed. I still struggled with my sinful behaviors, but I kept striving for a solution. Then I discovered the power of healing my trauma memories, forgiving, and giving up unhealthy beliefs and negative thoughts to live a new life. Facing my trauma and forgiving those who hurt me was hard, but the outcome was freedom. I can now feel love, joy, peace, be patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, and self-controlled.

Focus On What You Can Do, Change, and Influence.

You can only change yourself and influence others who want to change. When I became more like Christ, my husband changed as well. You can influence those around you through kindness and living in peace with them. But if someone is not willing to change, you cannot change that circumstance. Proverbs 12:18 explains, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” You can change your physical position and attitude (beliefs) toward a hurtful person. You can proactively choose different friends and activities.

Proverbs 12:26a states, “One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor.” Your neighbor is anyone you can be kind to or patient with and have a positive influence on. For example, if someone is being abusive, a spouse, boss, co-worker, or friend, you can proactively tell them how their actions are hurtful. Then, set boundaries and not associate with them if they continue to be unloving and abusive. You can also stay in forgiveness and peace by not allowing their weakness to control your thoughts. Remember, thoughts determine your feelings, beliefs, and behavior. A hurtful, abusive person is acting out of the trauma of their childhood.

Being Proactive is About Making Good Choices.

Before making good choices, you must understand what drives you to make bad choices. One source is your sinful flesh. James 1:14-15 declares, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. ¹⁵Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” If this is the case, James 4:7 explains how to make a good choice: “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” It is a good choice to put off your old sinful nature through prayer and put on your new self of love to be like Christ (Col. 3:1-17).

Another source that leads you to make bad choices is your past unhealthy beliefs and wrong thinking, which were programmed in your heart by traumatic events. You can proactively choose to be more loving by changing from the inside out through the power of prayer and forgiveness, which heals your memories and changes unhealthy beliefs and wrong thinking. You accomplish this by first submitting to God, resisting the devil, and putting off unhealthy beliefs and destructive thoughts that influence you to make bad choices.

A Proactive Person Admits Their Mistakes and Corrects Them.

Do you desire to have healthy relationships with people? If you make a mistake, you can proactively admit and correct it. For example, if you were rude or not patient with someone, you can humbly admit you were wrong and apologize. If you lied about something, you must admit it and tell the truth to restore your integrity. If you lose your temper, confess your sin to God and the person, then seek God to show you what childhood trauma needs to be healed through forgiveness or what unhealthy beliefs need to be changed. Read my website book to learn more about how to do this.

May God bless you richly as you think proactively about doing hard things, making right choices, admitting you are wrong, and correcting your mistakes.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

10 Ways to be Proactive Instead of Reactive

How reactive are you to events that don’t go as planned, to other people’s inconsideration, when people don’t keep their promises? My reaction level was off the charts, so when I separated from my abusive husband, I wanted to know what a mentally healthy person should act like. I read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The first habit was being proactive. What does proactive mean? According to Dictionary.com (2025), proactive means to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or challenging one; anticipatory.

How To Control Your Feelings

Knowing you will act in anger or frustration, you can mentally prepare. What you think controls what you feel, what you believe, and how you act. So, stay in prayer mode, so you respond with kindness or patience. Self-control begins in the mind. Visit my web page on how to develop self-control to learn more. Being proactive requires self-control.

In my last post, I explained a church situation that made me angry and how I prayed through the Victory Plan from my post, “How to Develop Emotional Resilience.” I resolved to be kind and let the situation I could not control go. The following Sunday, the custodian came up to me, with his wife present, and said he loved me and gave me a hug. I eliminated stress by being proactive in how I dealt with the situation, even though I felt wronged.

If you know driving raises your stress level because you get frustrated and angry at how other drivers drive, you can say to yourself, “Getting upset and yelling at other drivers does not help, and it makes me tense and anxious; I will be thankful I don’t have to ride a donkey.” Try it, it works. You can also say, “I can be patient as I would want other drivers to be patient with me.” If you know attending a family function will upset you, you can pray for God to give you grace and kindness toward the difficult family members. Remember, people want to know they have worth and are loved as much as you do. Often, people act out because they have low self-worth and feel angry because they don’t feel loved, which is frequently related to their childhood.

10 Proactive Habits.

In my online book, I wrote the right thinking I need to practice for each of Stephen Covey’s seven habits. This is what I wrote for Habit 1—Be Proactive.

I can choose my response.
I am driven by values and truth, and I am not reactive.
I will not let the weaknesses of others control me.
I take the initiative and am responsible for making things happen.
I will use proactive language: “I choose.” “I control my own feelings.” “Let’s look at the alternatives.”
I will work on what I can do something about, which is in my circle of influence.
I will BE more ……….. To change from the inside-out, to be different.
I choose to be thankful.
I will acknowledge mistakes instantly and correct them.
I will make and keep commitments and promises.

Change Unhealthy Beliefs and Discover a New Reality

The article in Psychology Today “Why Proactivity Is the Superpower You Can and Should Develop,” says that “proaction is worth viewing as a superpower because it is the “possible you” that 1) spots and prevents problems, 2) identifies, pursues, and captures opportunities, and 3) creates a new, personally-chosen, desired future through a strategic change of trajectory.” This article provided valuable tips.

My life was controlled by my past trauma. I continued to live out of my emotional programming and unhealthy beliefs about myself and my capability. I married my first husband because of unhealthy beliefs and wrong thoughts. I allowed people to define me and limit my ability. Being proactive about healing my past soul wounds changed the trajectory of my life, and it can change yours. Read my online book about how I changed my destiny.

In the following posts, I will continue to explain these ten ways to be proactive. If you would like a PDF of my Victory Plan to Overcome Anger, Depression, and Anxiety, email me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com.

Continue to learn how to apply the other ways to be proactive in the next post.

May God bless you richly as you think proactively.

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My latest book is Unlocking God’s Promises, which explains 18 categories of promises that are relevant to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

Practicing Healthy Conflicts – an Example.

Do you realize how often you have conflicts with people? This week, I had the opportunity to practice having a healthy conflict with a church member. We live in a world with inconsiderate people, including ourselves, so we have many opportunities to practice healthy conflicts. I was amazed at how often my husband and I conflicted on various issues.

I want to add one more healthy practice to the Victory Plan: When you feel emotional about a situation, do not address the issue with the person at that moment. Do not send a text or email while you are emotional because you can’t take back your words. Please refer to my post titled “How to Develop Emotional Resilience.” Romans 12:17-18 states, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. ¹⁸If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” The Apostle Paul gave this mandate to us, which seems impossible, but all things are possible with God (Matt 19:26). Continually praying will help you become emotionally healthy because as soon as you are disappointed or offended, you will give it to God before it turns into resentment.

Conflict at Church

I didn’t attend the church workday. My husband told me that they removed items from the storage closets and the storage room. I found that my Armor of God props had gone missing. I’ve previously disagreed with the custodian concerning his lack of appreciation for things I considered important. He thought the props were never used, so he got rid of them. He didn’t think to ask or put them in my classroom to see if I still wanted them. I became offended because they were on the top shelf and did not bother anyone. He cleared out everything but the toolbox, leaving all the shelves empty. Why? I was disappointed and annoyed.

My husband said he saw some swords and helmets in the donation trailer, but the trailer was locked. I found the person responsible and asked him for the key so I could look for my props. He said they weren’t in the trailer. That is when I should have walked away, because I got emotional and blurted out, “Did you throw them away?” In a huff, I walked past some people who observed the interaction. I prayed and went through the victory steps to deal with my emotions and quickly calmed down. The items are replaceable, and though I was disappointed and annoyed, I didn’t need to be resentful toward the person. Remember, everything we do is to be done in love (1Cor 16:14).

Recognizing continued conflict.

When you go to bed, do you mentally rehearse how you have been wronged? Do you imagine what you should have said or done, or will say, or do to the person who offended you? Not everyone can understand this because they go to sleep as soon as their head hits the pillow. Before going to sleep, I mentally replay my day, plan the next, and sometimes rehearse conflicts. If you struggle to go to sleep because you can’t stop thinking about a conflict, you need to go through the steps in the Victory plan. I have them memorized because disappointment happens all the time. 1Peter 3:10-11 states, “For ‘Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.’”

Forgiving and Resolving the Conflict

That night, I could not sleep; I was still very upset about how inconsiderate he was. He didn’t think he did anything wrong. But I had to forgive him. As soon as I forgave him, I could go to sleep. A day later, I texted him apologizing for showing my frustration with him. I said I forgive him and explained it was only replaceable stuff. He voiced his frustration concerning the women’s absence on the cleanup day. He gave me an ultimatum that within 30 days, I had to clean out the children’s program supply closets in the storage room. I got hot again, but I immediately went through the emotional resilience post’s victory steps and calmed down. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Let’s be honest, some people are hard to bear and forgive.

That evening at church, I decided to thank him for all his great work around the church and for wanting to make the church less cluttered. Remember, everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued. Conflict resolution starts with thanksgiving not complaining. While I was in a meeting with two other ladies, who work with the children, I saw him bring all my Armor of God props into my classroom. I was grateful. Then I asked him to show me and the two other ladies what closets he wanted us to clean out and what his issue was with the closets. This made him feel heard and valued. I requested an extension beyond 30 days; he granted it, limiting it to one year. He felt valued, and we weren’t under his ultimatum.

Conclusion

Conflicts occur more often than you realize, so you must learn how to remain at peace with everyone and not return an insult for an insult. 1Peter 3:9 states, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” When you exchange resentment with forgiveness and complaining with thankfulness, you stay in peace and give a blessing. Remember, we all create conflicts, and no one will meet your expectations perfectly.

If you want a PDF of the Victory Plan to Overcome Anger, Anxiety, and Depression, email me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com. This Victory Pan helps you to have a healthy mindset for healthy conflicts.

May God bless you richly as you live in peace with everyone.

How to Recognize and Eliminate Emotional Cancer

How to Dig up the Unforgiving Belief to Grow in Love

How a Pure Heart is a Godly Heart

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

How to Have a Healthy Argument or Conflict

What makes an argument healthy or unhealthy? Why are people argumentative? How do you effectively communicate with an argumentative person? How do you overcome an argumentative spirit? This post answers these questions and how to have a healthy argument to resolve conflicts.

Unhealthy Arguing

We know argumentative individuals and what it means to be argumentative. Unhealthy arguing focuses on speaking your mind and proving you are right and the other person is wrong. An argumentative person does not care about the other person, only proving they are right. We are familiar with people who are disagreeable or oppositional about something or everything. So, how do you have a healthy argument with them? There are many articles about this topic, but the best way is to agree they are right even though you don’t entirely agree. Also, tell them something you like or are thankful for about them. This approach will appease the argumentative person’s pride, so you can ask them if you can share your perspective. Not always, but most of the time, if they know you agree with them, they are willing to hear your thoughts; more about that later. If they cross their arms, it means they are skeptical or really don’t want to listen to your perspective. If they don’t receive your input, give it to God in prayer because you can’t make them be open-minded. I have seen God work in amazing ways with people.

Most people who argue or oppose have a spirit of pride. Pride says, I am better than you, and you can’t tell me what to do or imply I am wrong. A prideful person does not value others’ desires or thoughts, only their own. They will call you names and accuse you of being wrong and doing things you did not do to shame you for disagreeing with or opposing them. Modern-day psychology would say a prideful person is a narcissist, and that is true.

No one wins an unhealthy argument, and everyone feels resentful. Resentment is the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult (Dictionary.com, 2025). People want to feel appreciated, valued, and having worth. When resentment sets in, no one wins, and the relationship deteriorates. Working through resentment requires forgiving and asking God to transform unhealthy beliefs about yourself and the other person involved. My website book explains how to overcome resentment.

Healthy Arguing

A healthy argument is when two or more people humbly and respectfully present their points of view and genuinely care about the other people involved. Sometimes, you want to convince or persuade someone to do something or believe a certain way. For example, I grew up in both a Republican and Democrat family. I understand both perspectives and respect people who hold either ideology. As an adult, I made a moral choice to be Republican because I believe God creates life, and all life is valuable in his sight, so aborting a baby because you don’t want it is a sin. Now, I try to persuade or convince my democrat friends why abortion is killing a baby with a heartbeat at 10 weeks and why adoption is a better choice. I worked for a Crisis Pregnancy Center in a college town and became the Assistant Director for several years. I was never successful at convincing my Democrat friends to value the life of a baby. I did convince a few young, pregnant college girls to either keep their baby or give it up for adoption.

Suppose you desire a change in your family but expect conflict. You must understand that no one likes to change because we tend to be selfish and self-centered and want things our way. You may wish to resolve a conflict caused by a friend or relative. In my last post, I explained how to respond to criticism in a healthy way. When you discuss conflicting desires and perspectives, it may feel like criticism. Reread my last post to understand and resolve your internal conflict with criticism.

Healthy Strategy for Resolving Conflicts

I have a great strategy for resolving conflict that my husband and I use successfully to discuss sensitive topics. We were taught this in a relationship class. The goal is to build understanding and connection. I call it the pen method, but any object will work. We use a pen, because you can easily find one. The rules of engagement are never to say “you” but only “I feel…” or “I hope…”, “I look forward to…”, and so on. Remember, every conflict or argument has different perspectives. You want to help the other person see your perspective and understand theirs. Before you begin, pray for God’s humble spirit to guide you and to give each of you understanding. Remember, “Do all things with love (1Cor. 16:14).”

The person with the object (i.e., a pen) calmly and respectfully shares their feelings or desired outcome. They identify the conflict from their perspective.
Hand the pen to the other person, who says, “Let me see if I understand…” “Is that what you feel (or mean or want)…?”
If they say no, either hand the pen back or ask a clarification question and return it to the other person so they can explain their perspective again.
The other person is actively listening and trying to understand, not thinking about their perspective only and how to convince the other person to accept their perspective.
Continue until the issue is understood.
The second person now has the pen and will use “I” statements. Remember, you want to keep the focus on your perspective without being critical. Your goal is to resolve the conflict, not escalate the conflict that will build up resentment and destroy the relationship.
Once the problem or issue is understood, work through a solution because each person has a different perspective on resolving the conflict or reaching a desired outcome.
Remember to stay humble, respectful, and empathetic. Everything we do is to be done in love.
The solution or expectations need to be reasonable and mutually agreed upon.

You may be thinking, “Yeah, that sounds great, but I am dealing with a narcissist.” Pray and give it to God because you can only change yourself and your attitude; you can’t change anyone else.

Many articles explain how to have healthy conflicts. The following article is not the same pen method for resolving conflict. Improving Connection When it Counts – Using the PEN Method: Shifting from disagreements to connection during holidays and beyond.

If you want a PDF of the Victory Plan to Overcome Anger, Anxiety, and Depression, email me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com, which helps you have a healthy mindset for healthy conflicts.

RELATED POSTS

How Pride Destroys

How to Eliminate the “My Way is Better” Belief to Sustain Peace

How to Convert Pridefulness to Gentleness and Humility

How Does a Wise Person Treat Other People?

A Wise Person Seeks Peace and Reconciliation

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

How to Respond to Criticism

Is your response to criticism healthy? Why do you get angry or sad when you feel criticized? Most people think mental health issues are anxiety and depression, which is true. Your mental health also shows in how you process criticism, disagreement, or an argumentative person. A mentally healthy person responds in two ways: they either reflect and accept or dismiss and ignore. Getting angry, defensive, and taking it personally is not healthy. I explained in a previous post how to build emotional resilience when facing disappointment, hurt, or loss. In this post, I will explain how to respond to criticism, disagreement, and arguments, which is the same process.

Acknowledge your disappointment that someone is upset or disagrees with you.
Capture unhealthy thoughts that lead to strong emotions. Pray and give them to God.
Admit your hurt feelings, such as not feeling validated or feeling unloved and rejected, and so on. Recognize that you are offended and resentful. Pray.
Identify wrong beliefs. Wrong beliefs control your emotions and actions, so identifying and replacing them with correct beliefs will help you transition from feeling emotions to thinking rationally.
Be aware of strong feelings that lead to sinful actions or hurtful words.

Why We Don’t Like to Be Criticized.

I don’t know anyone who likes to be criticized or disagreed with. Why? Deep down, we want people to think well of us and tell us how great we are. We want to be validated. Remember, validation is seeking approval from others to affirm that you are acceptable and worthy. So, when you don’t feel validated or approved, you will feel rejected and often angry.

If you have been reading my posts, you know I had a new supervisor who did not like me. She told another employee that she hated Christians, and she knew I was a Christian. I trusted God and allowed the adversity she caused me to make me more like Christ. She even fabricated my evaluation to make me look bad, which was supposed to be filled out by the professors I worked with. Previous evaluations were great, with some suggestions for improvement. This supervisor also manipulated other professors to say negative things about me. They felt terrible later when they found out what was happening. She had a lot of childhood trauma and was very angry. God used this situation to help me work through my childhood trauma, and I submitted my painful memories to God to heal. I identified many strongholds that controlled my reactions and tore them down with God’s help. I am now thankful that God put me through that difficult time so I can be free.

Why I Took Criticism Personally.

I wanted to please others to gain their admiration and respect, which is rooted in pride. Some of us will argue our point of view and demean those who disagree with us, which is often driven by pride. Do you think you must be correct and no one should disagree with you? Yep, pride. Prideful people are emotionally draining. During my ordeal with the new supervisor, God showed me I had a spirit of pride. When people criticized me, my pride would tell me, “They had no right to blame me or tell me I am wrong or bad; I do great work.” My pride would get angry when someone dismissed my idea or suggestion. My pride would get hurt when someone disagreed with me. Pride is very destructive because it is inward-focused. Humility does not take criticism or disrespect personally. The spirit of pride was rooted in my childhood traumas. As you read the following Scripture, ask God to search your heart and mind and show you what is in them. Responding to criticism well depends on meekness and wisdom.

James 3:13-18 – Wisdom from Above

13) Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct, let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom.

14) But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.

15) This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

16) For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

17) But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

18) And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Two Ways to Respond to Criticism.

First, consider the source. Is the person being respectful, gentle, and kind in explaining a problem they see? Do you respect that person as having integrity? Do they offer improvement suggestions? If yes, then prayerfully reflect on what they are pointing out and suggesting.

Second, some people are argumentative, critical, and disagreeable because they are hurting inside. They may have childhood issues from being criticized and discounted by family or teachers. This kind of criticism should be ignored and not taken personally. Often, people reflect their insecurity and pride by criticizing or arguing. Getting defensive and arguing back only empowers the other person. The best way to handle this kind of person is to say thank you and walk away. You cannot reason constructively with a person who is acting out of their wounded soul.

Here is a helpful article I found: How to Handle Criticism Gracefully: 12 Pro Tips.

If you want a PDF of the Victory Plan to Overcome Anger, Anxiety, and Depression, email me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com. The Victory Plan helps you to have a healthy mindset.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.