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EIGHT WAYS TO EMPATHETIC LISTENING

Are you quick to offer advice without fully understanding the underlying issue? Do you feel people don’t listen to you? Do you empathetically listen to others and seek to understand, or do you only want to be understood? Seeking to understand is an empathetic way of communicating that many people don’t know how to do.

I have been writing about mental health issues this year. Learning to understand others and practicing empathetic listening can be challenging if you are consumed by your own problems, which I was at one time. Or if you are a problem solver like me. I am quick to offer advice without fully understanding the situation first. Stephen Covey explains how to empathetically listen to people in his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

How Do You Communicate?

Listen with the intent to reply.

Speaking or preparing to speak.

Filtering everything through your paradigms or perspective.

Reading your autobiography into other people’s lives, thinking what worked for you will work for them.

Four Autobiographical Responses (Stephen Covey)

Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways.

We evaluate by either agreeing or disagreeing;

We probe by asking questions from our own frame of reference;

We advise and give counsel based on our own experience; or

We interpret and try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.

What is Empathetic Listening?

Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference.

You look out through it; you see the world the way they see the world.

You understand their paradigm from their perspective.

You understand how they feel.

The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully and deeply understand that person, both emotionally and intellectually.

Stephen Covey explains, “In addition, empathic listening is the key to making deposits in Emotional Bank Accounts, because nothing you do is a deposit unless the other person perceives it as such. You can work your fingers to the bone to make a deposit, only to have it turn into a withdrawal when a person regards your efforts as manipulative, self-serving, intimidating, or condescending because you don’t understand what really matters to him. Empathic listening is, in itself, a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account. It’s deeply therapeutic and healing because it gives a person ‘psychological air.’” To learn more about how to build a person’s emotional bank account, see my previous post, 10 Ways to Build an Emotional Bank Account.

Empathetic listening is essential for creating win-win agreements. Because if you don’t understand the thoughts and feelings of another person, it will be impossible for it to be win/win. To learn more about creating win/win agreements, read How to Build Trust with Win/Win Agreements. Empathetic listening lets the other person know you value them, which is a psychological need every person has. Once they feel you understand and value them, you can focus on influencing or problem-solving.

Most people are taught to either repeat or rephrase what someone says to show you heard them. That is not understanding them. The key is to understand how the other person feels. For example, a child says, “I hate my teacher, she is mean.” Empathetic listening will want to know why; “You sound frustrated, tell me why you think she is being mean?” “Do you feel she is being unfair?” By rephrasing and reflecting the feelings, you get the other person to open up about why they believe something is true. Then you can lead them to think with their prefrontal cortex, where logic is. Next, you can help them develop a healthier way of thinking or come up with a solution to the problem.

Eight Actions to Be an Empathetic Listener.

1. I will listen with the intent to understand and not reply.

2. I will try not to read my autobiography into other people’s lives.

3. I will get into the other person’s frame of reference, to see the world the way they see it, understand how they feel, and thus give them “psychological air.”

4. I will not evaluate by either agreeing or disagreeing.

5. I will not probe with questions from my frame of reference or perspective.

6. I will not advise or give counsel based on my own experience.

7. I will not interpret by trying to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on my motives and behavior.

8. I will rephrase the content and reflect the feeling.

Conclusion: Then Seek to Be Understood

In the post discussing win/win agreements, Stephen Covey defined maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Seeking to understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage. Win/Win requires a high degree of both. So it becomes important in interdependent situations for us to be understood. Being interdependent fosters rich, enduring, and highly productive relationships with others. When you can present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most importantly, contextually, in the context of a deep understanding of their paradigms and concerns, you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.

Read Mental Health Posts

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you will like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, available on Amazon.

Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles, found on Amazon. To learn more about my book, read: How to Fight Unseen Battles. I would love to hear what you think so please leave a review.

Contact me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com and ask for a PDF of Eight Life-Changing Prayers from the Bible. The prayers are for the Spirit of wisdom, renewal, spiritual strength, knowledge of His will, virtues of God, non-believers, the 23rd Psalm, and victory. I will also send you the Lord’s Prayer Model to pray effectively. Please leave your name, so I know you are a real person making the request.

GOD’S WIN/WIN AGREEMENTS

What are God’s expectations of us? Does He require that His children follow His commands? Do you require God to meet your expectations, or do you trust His wisdom and all-knowing power? Everyone has needs and desires, and so does God. We are made in His image. God is a Spirit, and we are spirits in human bodies. Ultimately, God created us to love Him and others. Jesus explains in Matthew 22:36-40, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” ³⁷And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

The Apostle Paul explains the principle of love in Romans 13:8-10, which states, “Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. ⁹For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” ¹⁰Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.” Please read my post called THE GREATEST PRINCIPLE TO LIVE BY.

In my last post, I shared the need for WIN/WIN agreements that help you have healthy relationships, as explained by Stephan Covey in “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” But do you know that God sets up win/win agreements all through the Bible? With every win/win agreement, there are consequences for breaking the agreement. If you haven’t read my last post, please read it to help you understand what win/win agreements are and how they are helpful for healthy relationships.

God established the following agreement with the new Israelite nation, explained in Deuteronomy 28:1-8, which states, “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. ²And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the LORD your God. ³Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. ⁴Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. ⁵Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. ⁶Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out. ⁷The LORD will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. ⁸The LORD will command the blessing on you in your barns and in all that you undertake. And he will bless you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”

The condition for the win/win agreement on God’s side was for the Israelites to be faithful to obey His commands. Obedience shows that we love God (John 14:15). If they obeyed, they would be blessed in all they did. But if they didn’t obey, they would not be blessed, but cursed in all they did. Here is a sampling of the curses: Deuteronomy 28:45-48 “All these curses shall come upon you and pursue you and overtake you till you are destroyed, because you did not obey the voice of the LORD your God, to keep his commandments and his statutes that he commanded you. ⁴⁶They shall be a sign and a wonder against you and your offspring forever. ⁴⁷Because you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things, therefore you shall serve your enemies whom the LORD will send against you, in hunger and thirst, in nakedness, and lacking everything. And he will put a yoke of iron on your neck until he has destroyed you.”

The consequences of not obeying seem very harsh. If you had a child who would not obey and was very obstinate, they would think your punishment or consequences were harsh, maybe even abusive. God is our Father and the King of Kings and lord of Lords; therefore, He requires that we obey because he created us to be in a loving relationship with Him and others. If you love someone, you will want them to love you back and be willing to work toward mutually agreeable benefits. If your spouse decides to have an affair, then the marriage agreement is broken. Often, affairs end a marriage, and the consequences are sometimes very harsh.

I published a book called “Unlocking God’s Promises.” In this book, I explain 18 categories of promises, which are win/win agreements. Agreements or solutions benefit everyone and leave everyone satisfied; if you don’t do your part, then God won’t keep His promise. For example, Matthew 6:33 states, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” God agrees to give you all you need if you seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. The Apostle Paul explains the kingdom in Romans 14:17, “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” We are to seek peace with all men (Heb. 12:14; Rom. 12:17-18; James 3:18; and 2Timothy 2:22). There are many other ways to seek first his kingdom, to learn more read, How do you seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness?

Another example is John 14:23, which states, “Jesus answered him, ‘If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.’” The condition is to keep Jesus’ instructions, and when we do, then the Father will love you and He will make His home in you.

Conclusion

Win/Win means that agreements or solutions benefit everyone and leave everyone satisfied. God created humans to be in a relationship with Him, so that He could show His love and power toward them. God has many win/win promises for those who obey and love Him. To learn more, buy my book on Unlocking God’s Promises. As soon as it is officially published, I will provide a link.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of promises relevant to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles, which describes the many unhealthy beliefs that control our lives and what the truths are. To learn more about this book, read the post How to Fight Unseen Battles.

How to Build Trust with Win/Win Agreements

Would you like to excel as a leader in your home, workplace, clubs, church, or leisure pursuits? Everyone needs to develop interpersonal leadership/relational skills because we are leaders in one way or another. Relational skills begin in childhood during playtime.

Stephen Covey explains five interpersonal interactions in the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. When you watch children play, see how many of the human interactions listed below are used. Also, note how the other children react. As you read the six paradigms of human interactions, think about how you interact with people and how they respond.

Six Paradigms of Human Interaction by Stephen Covey (Summarized)

Win/Win is a mindset and attitude that always looks for mutual benefit in every human interaction. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions benefit everyone and leave everyone satisfied. It is based on the idea that there is enough for everyone, and one person’s success doesn’t come at the expense or exclusion of others. For example, a person wants to play a game, but the others do not. So, they negotiate a deal that benefits everyone, agreeing to play the game they want to play.
Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach: “I get my way; you don’t get yours.” Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way. As a parent, the result is conditional love, which is detrimental to a young mind and heart, being highly vulnerable and highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents. The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the Win/Lose mentality. The academic world reinforces Win/Lose scripting. People are not graded against their potential or the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. Another powerful programming agent is competitive athletics, which is a leadership model that does not support healthy relationships or mutual cooperation.
Lose/Win. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions, and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. This characterized my interactions for most of my life. But the problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion. If you realize this describes you, then my online book will help you uncover suppressed emotions and learn how to think Win/Win.
Lose/Lose. Some people become so centered on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of another person, that they become blind to everything except their desire for the person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. It is also the thinking of the highly dependent person with no inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. They believe that by holding onto a grudge or resentment, they are somehow punishing the other person. But, in fact, they are drinking poison, hoping the other person dies. These people find it very hard to forgive because they think that if they do, then they would have to give up their anger. However, this anger and resentment are punishing their souls by blocking love, joy, and peace. Do you know someone like this?
Win. A person with the Win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends–and leaving it to others to secure theirs.

Win/Win or No Deal

No Deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably–No Deal. No expectations have been created, no performance contracts established. I don’t hire you, or we don’t take on a particular assignment together, because it’s obvious that our values or our goals are going in opposite directions. When you have “No Deal” as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you do not need to manipulate people, push your agenda, or drive for what you want. The Win/Win or No Deal approach is most realistic at the beginning of a business relationship or enterprise. Of course, there are some relationships where No Deal is not viable. I wouldn’t abandon my child or my spouse and go for No Deal (it would be better, if necessary, to go for a compromise–a low form of Win/Win).

HABIT 4 THINK WIN/WIN–Principles of Interpersonal Leadership by Stephen Covey

Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is “Think Win/Win.”

Five Dimensions of Win/Win

1. Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the Win/Win paradigm.

a. Integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.

b. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.

c. Abundance Mentality is the attitude that there is plenty out there for everybody. People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit–even with those who help in the production. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.

2. Relationships. Trust and a built up “Emotional Bank Account,” is the essence of Win/Win. Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity. Rarely is Win/Win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional Bank Account in the relationship. Also, the stronger you are spiritually and emotionally the more genuine your character. The more mentally healthy you are the higher your level of proactivity. The more committed you really are to Win/Win, the more powerful your influence will be with that other person.

3. Agreements. From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to Win/Win. In the Win/Win agreement, the following five elements are made very explicit: I used this method to create agreements with my children.

a. Desired results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when, not controlling how it is done.

b. Guidelines specify the parameters (principles, policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished.

c. Resources identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available to help accomplish the results.

d. Accountability sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation. People evaluate themselves, using the criteria that they themselves helped to create up front.

e. Consequences specify–good and bad, natural and logical–what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation. There are basically four kinds of consequences (rewards and penalties) that management or parents can control.

Financial (income, stock options, allowances, or penalties),
Psychic (recognition, approval, respect, credibility, or the loss of them),
Opportunity (development, training, perks, and other benefits), and
Responsibility (scope of authority.)

Win/Win agreements are tremendously liberating. Stephen Covey shared the following. When my daughter turned 16, we set up a Win/Win agreement regarding use of the family car. We agreed that she would obey the laws of the land and that she would keep the car clean and properly maintained. We agreed that she would use the car only for responsible purposes and would serve as a cab driver for her mother and me within reason. And we also agreed that she would do all her other jobs cheerfully without being reminded. These were our wins. We also agreed that I would provide some resources–the car, gas, and insurance. And we agreed that she would meet weekly with me, usually on Sunday afternoon, to evaluate how she was doing based on our agreement. The consequences were clear. As long as she kept her part of the agreement, she could use the car. If she didn’t keep it, she would lose the privilege until she decided to.

4. Systems. If you want to achieve the goals and reflect the values in your mission statement, then you need to align the reward system with these goals and values. For Win/Win to work, the systems have to support it. The training system, the planning system, the communication system, the budgeting system, the information system, the compensation system–all have to be based on the principle of Win/Win. The spirit of Win/Win cannot survive in an environment of competition and contests. Often, the problem lies within the system, not in the people.

5. Processes. First, consider the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. Second, identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved. Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. And fourth, identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Healthy Beliefs to Achieve Win/Win

1. I will constantly seek mutual win/win benefits in all human interactions.

2. I will build my character through integrity, maturity, and abundance mentality, in which there is plenty out there for everybody.

3. I will be mature by expressing my feelings and convictions with courage, balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of others.

4. I will develop trust in my relationships with people by building up their emotional bank accounts.

5. I will write clear agreements that give definition and direction to a win/win situation. I will define the desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences.

6. I will align all the supporting systems for win/win with the goals and values of my mission statement.

7. I will seek to understand, then give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party, as well as or better than they can themselves.

8. I will identify the key issues and concerns involved.

9. I will determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. I will identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Conclusion

Win/Win is not a personality technique. It’s a healthy belief system about human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the “Abundance Mentality.” It grows out of high-trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishment. It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6.

RELATED POSTS:

GOD’S WIN/WIN AGREEMENTS

How to Have a Healthy Argument or Conflict

Practicing Healthy Conflicts – an Example.

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If you find this website helpful, you will benefit from the latest book. You can order Breaking Mental Strongholds on Amazon.

Additionally, consider my book Fighting Unseen Battles found on Amazon. I would love to hear what you think. To learn more about my book, read: How to Fight Unseen Battles.

MENTALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE PRIORITIZE

Do you feel like you don’t have time to spend with your family? Or, do you sometimes say, you don’t have time to accomplish your to-do list? The principle of putting first things first is about personal management. In this post, you will learn how to organize your life around priorities that align with your individual goals. I am sharing insights from Stephen Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” Habit Three: Put First Things First. Too often, we allow problems to control our time, which is stressful and emotionally draining.

The Four Areas Of Time Management That Control Us Are.

Quadrant 1. Urgent essential needs and crisis management. Things like deadline-driven projects, health needs, or crises. Feeling you need to assist others with their immediate challenges.

Quadrant 2. Important needs but not urgent. Activities that prevent a problem from happening, investing in relationships, planning recreation, and working toward goals.

Quadrant 3. Urgent, non-important needs. Like responding to social media posts, emails, or phone messages, going through the mail, and maybe popular activities that do not contribute to your goals.

Quadrant 4. Not important, and not urgent. These are time-wasters, such as scrolling through social media posts, watching TV, YouTubing, gaming, and so on.

Staying Mentally Healthy and Fulfilled.

When you accomplish a goal or principle, how does it make you feel? My mental health improves when I accomplish a priority, even small ones like taking out the trash or dusting. The more you stay in the second quadrant of time management, the less you will deal with crisis management in the first quadrant. Also, limit your time on non-important tasks or activities in quadrants three and four that steal valuable time you can never get back. Mental health improves when you avoid all tasks or activities that do not help you accomplish the things that are important or align with your principles. For example, if you want to exercise, plus learn Scripture, you could go for a walk and memorize Scripture or pray, instead of watching TV and eating chips.

Quadrant II Organizing Involves Four Key Activities:

IDENTIFYING ROLES. The first task is to write down your key roles. Individual, Husband/Father, Wife/Mother, Chairman United Way, Real Estate Salesperson, Board Member, Sunday School Teacher, and so on.

SELECTING GOALS. The next step is to think of two or three important results you feel you should accomplish in each role during the next seven days.

SCHEDULING. Now you can look at the week ahead with your goals in mind and schedule time to achieve them.

DAILY ADAPTING. With Quadrant II weekly organizing, daily planning becomes more of a function of daily adapting, or prioritizing activities and responding to unanticipated events, relationships, and experiences in a meaningful way.

Stephan Covey shares the following computer metaphor: Habit 1 says “You’re the programmer,” and Habit 2 says “Write the program,” then Habit 3 says, “Run or live the program.” The popularity of reacting to the urgent but unimportant priorities of other people in quadrant III or the pleasure of escaping to Quadrant IV will threaten to overpower the important Quadrant II activities you have planned.

If you have Habit 2 deeply ingrained in your heart and mind, you are driven by those higher values. You can align your schedule with those values with integrity, but you can also be flexible. You don’t need to feel guilty when you don’t meet your scheduled goals or when you have to change your schedule. When I don’t write down the goals I need or want to accomplish that week and make time for them, then I feel depressed or anxious.

For example, I have an overnight guest coming in a week. I have several tasks to complete to prepare for my visitor. I have to identify the tasks that I need to do, then I schedule them throughout the week, so when my guest comes, I am not anxious or depressed about what still needs to be done.

Healthy Beliefs to Put First Things First.

1. I will organize and execute around priorities.

2. I will not be problem-minded but opportunity-minded.

3. I will not react to the urgent but unimportant priorities of other people in Quadrant III or the pleasure of escaping to Quadrant IV.

4. I will think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things.

5. I will define my roles and goals for the week, then schedule those goals at the beginning of each week.

6. I will use stewardship delegation and focus on results instead of methods, or gofer delegation.

Conclusion

I have been writing about how to improve mental health this year. Go to my mental health page to read these posts.

Review Habit 1:

10 Ways to be Proactive Instead of Reactive

HOW TO BE PROACTIVE: cont.

Review Habit 2:

TWELVE WAYS TO ACHIEVE HEALTHY GOALS

Three ways to Unlock Your Potential: Achieving Goals Continued.

A MENTALLY HEALTHY PERSON IS PRINCIPLE-CENTERED.

THE GREATEST PRINCIPLE TO LIVE BY

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of promises relevant to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

10 Ways to Build an Emotional Bank Account

Who do you like? The person who encourages you, or the critical person? Which person are you? We prefer elevating people, wouldn’t you agree? Your emotional bank account is strong when you feel safe because you trust the person you are with or are friends with. Do your children, spouse, or family feel safe around you, and can they trust you to be in control of your emotions? If you discover that you have made withdrawals from your children, spouse, or family, you can now make deposits. It takes time to regain trust and rebuild a healthy relationship.

Make Meaningful Deposits

What is a meaningful deposit for you may not be meaningful to the other person. Learn what is important to the other person and value them by making meaningful deposits. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman explains five different ways to show love:

Words of affirmation,
Quality time,
Receiving gifts,
Acts of service, and
Physical touch.

My love language is acts of service and affirmation. My husband’s love language is physical touch and affirmation. He struggles to do acts of service, but when he does, I feel valued and loved. I struggle with giving physical touch because of my abusive past, but when I do, he feels valued and loved. I now give more physical touch as I heal my traumatic memories.

How to Intentionally Build a Strong Emotional Account with Someone.

First, you need to value the other person as much as you value yourself. Second, seek to understand what is meaningful to that person. In my last post, I explained the greatest principle to live by. That principle is love. We all fundamentally need to feel loved and valued. Remember, we are made in the image of God, and He is love, who wants to be loved with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. God wants us to love others as He does. People are tender and sensitive to even slight rejection, even if unintentional. Someone may appear tough and unfazed by rejection, but deep down, they are a wounded child who is shut down, and it still hurts.

So, how do you build someone’s emotional bank account? I extrapolated the following 10 ways to build up a person’s emotional bank account from Stephen Covey’s book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

1. I will make deposits into people’s emotional bank accounts through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments. If I make a withdrawal, I will quickly apologize.

2. I will listen and seek to understand what is important to the other person.

3. I will let you feel my concern and acceptance.

4. I will show understanding and make deposits by giving them my full attention.

5. I will attend to the important little things to those in my life.

6. I will keep my commitments and promises to build trust.

7. I will clarify expectations regarding roles and goals to prevent misunderstandings and disappointment.

8. I will show personal integrity by being honest, keeping my promises, fulfilling expectations, being loyal to those present, and refraining from unwholesome speech.

9. I will apologize from my heart when I make a withdrawal.

10. I will see my children’s or people’s problems as an opportunity to build a relationship, rather than a negative, burdensome irritation.

When we model these ten ways to build a person’s emotional bank account, especially children, then it teaches and inspires them to do the same. To do this requires that you feel secure and have a healed heart from the many wounds from the withdrawals you endured throughout your life. As you read these 10 ways to build an emotional bank account, did some painful memories pop up, or resentment toward someone? Read the post WHY HEAL YOUR HEART AND PURIFY YOUR SOUL? Our painful memories control our thoughts and emotions, which makes us unsafe emotionally. When you heal your memories, you will be mentally healthy and able to build trusting, healthy relationships. Refer to my online book to begin healing your memories.

HOW MEMORIES INFLUENCE OUR THINKING, EMOTIONS, AND BEHAVIOR

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

THE GREATEST PRINCIPLE TO LIVE BY

Do you want to succeed in your relationships and your work? What principles do you follow to achieve your goals? In the l a st post, I explained how mentally healthy people live a principle-centered life. Unhealthy individuals are reactive, anxious, and depressed as external life issues control them. What healthy principles do you live by to maintain your mental health? This post is longer than usual, but please read to the end to know how to succeed in every aspect of your life.

Biblical principles guide you in the way of prosperity and success. Joshua 1:8 states, “This Book of the Law [God’s Principles] shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” I know you can point to ungodly people who never read the Bible, who appear to be successful, but success relates to every area of one’s life, including mental health.

God’s central principle is to love Him and love one another. God gave the 10 Commandments to show how He wants us to love Him and to love others. These formed God’s initial directives for the Israelites after rescuing them from Egyptian slavery. The first four commandments outline how to love God: 1. Make Him number one in your life; 2. Do not worship or serve idols or any created thing; 3. Do not use His name in vain; and 4. Keep the Sabbath day holy. The next six are how to love others: 5. Honor your father and mother; 6. Do not murder; 7. Do not commit adultery; 8. Do not steal; 9. Do not lie; and 10. Do not covet (crave what someone else has). How are you doing following these essential principles? When we adhere to these principles, we will achieve success and prosperity in our relationships and throughout life.

God Loved Us First to Show Us How to Love.

God showed how much He loved us by sending His son, who willingly came to earth to take the punishment for our sins so we can be reconciled to Him through the forgiveness of our sins (trespasses, iniquities, and debts). 1 John 4:9-12, 17 states, “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. ¹⁷By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. You cannot love as Christ loves if you do not love Him and do not live through Him (vs. 9). Also read Ephesians 1:7-10 and John 13:34-35. For many of us, we struggle to feel God’s love because of past disappointments by those who should have loved us but instead hurt us.

How Do You Feel God’s Love?

Experiencing trauma may make it difficult for you to feel or understand love if you have never felt loved. Know that receiving Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit then fills you with Christ’s love and helps you love well. Ephesians 3:16-19 states, “That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Being filled with all the fullness of God is an incredible experience. Have you experienced God’s fullness? To experience God’s fullness in your life and bear the fruit of a Christ-centered life, you must abide (remain in; dwell) in Him, and His Words abiding in you. You can’t love and be Christ-centered in your own power; I tried and failed.

John 15:1-5 states, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. ²Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. (God wants to prune all the hurt and offense from your heart, so you can experience His fullness and love.)

⁴Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:9-10; As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. ¹⁰If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.

So, How Do You Abide in Jesus and His Love?

1. Make Him Lord of your life and submit to Him by obeying His instructions and principles. 1Peter 4:8 states, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

2. Pray continually and tell Him your struggles and needs and ask Him for His provision, comfort, wisdom, love, etc. (Phil. 4:6-7).

3. Acknowledge you don’t know how to love as He loves. Ask Him to search your heart and mind, and show you where you sinned or were wounded, and to heal those memories (Jer. 17:9-10). My online book provides instructions on how to do this.

4. Read the Word of God every day and meditate on His principles that give you success in all you do (Ps. 1:1-3). Ask God to reveal the unhealthy beliefs you hold that influence your emotions and behavior. Hebrews 4:12 explains, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Reading God’s Word reveals the unhealthy beliefs we must put off and the true beliefs we must put on (2Tim. 3:16-17).

5. Repent of the sins that God shows you as you read and abide in His word (Acts 3:19). Psalms 139:23-24 states, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! ²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

So, How Well Do You Love?

The following verses explain what Christ-centered love is. My online book provides a detailed explanation of these verses and offers guidance on how to apply them to your life. Rate how well you are doing.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6;

Love is patient and kind; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love does not envy or boast; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love is not arrogant ⁵or rude. (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love does not insist on its own way; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love is not irritable; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Love is not resentful; (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

1 John 3:16-18; By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. ¹⁷But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? ¹⁸Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (Not at all – Sometimes – Most times – All the time.)

Forgive as He forgave you.

To release the power of life-changing love, you need to forgive. Forgiving someone who hurt you is hard to do, but because God forgave your sins, you can forgive others their sins. This is a key principle to live by because forgiveness removes the curse and power of the offense you have towards the person who sinned against you. Additionally, when we fail to forgive, God says He will not forgive our sins, which separates us from Him (Matt. 6:15). Jesus explains the principle of forgiveness in the following parable, which illustrates what will happen when we don’t forgive, as found in Matthew 18:21-35. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” And Mark 11:25 states, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Forgiveness is a vital component of loving others well.

Have Christ’s attitude of humility.

To forgive and love others as Christ does requires humility. Humility is the absence of self-centered pride that only thinks about themselves and not what is best for others as well (1Peter 5:5b-7). The following scriptures helped me to repent of my self-centered, controlling pride and to love my family better. Philippians 2:3-8; Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. ⁸And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. I explain these principles in the post The Core Negative Heart Issue.

Conclusion

By now, you figured out that the greatest principle to live by is love. Love is powerful. Love heals mental health issues by replacing anxious, self-centered thoughts with hope, patience, kindness, humility, forgiveness, and so on. We can’t love well unless we are abiding in Jesus, the life-giving vine. Only as we abide in Him, love Him, and obey Him can we love those who are difficult to love. If you find it hard to love and feel loved, please read my online book, Hope For Complete Healing, to work through the issues that prevent you from receiving God’s love. We are all sinners in need of forgiveness, so we all have wounds from those who sinned against us, and whom we have wounded. If we make God’s love the principle that guides our thoughts and actions, then we will not sin against anyone.

RELATED POSTS:

LOVE Issues

Relationship and World-Changing Kindness

How to Dig up the Unforgiving Belief to Grow in Love

HOW PRIDE DESTROYS

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

A MENTALLY HEALTHY PERSON IS PRINCIPLE-CENTERED.

What does a principle-centered person look like? What principles do you live by? This post continues “Habit 2: Begin With The End In Mind,” by Stephen Covey. In the post ACHIEVE HEALTHY GOALS IN 12 WAYS,I explained how to achieve your goals by cultivating thoughts to achieve a desired outcome. I also shared my mission statement for my life and the goals to achieve my mission. In the post Three Ways to Unlock Your Potential: Achieving Goals Continued, I explained how to rewrite defeating scripts written by unhealthy beliefs. Unhealthy beliefs develop from painful experiences. You can write a new script by exchanging unhealthy beliefs with true or positive beliefs.

Of the 12 ways to achieve healthy goals, this post will explain the following two ways:

I will be principle-centered, not spouse-centered, family-centered, money-centered, work-centered, possession-centered, pleasure-centered, friend-centered, enemy-centered, church-centered, or self-centered. I will be Christ-centered, showing love to everyone.
As a principle-centered person, I will try to separate myself from the emotion of the situation and from other factors that might affect me and evaluate the options.

In his book, Stephan Covey explains each of the other ways to be centered in number 8 above. The decisions you make depend on what your life is centered around. In this post, I will only share what he says about being principle-centered. Though Stephan’s book is not a Christian book, the principles are applicable. So when you read about being principle-centered, think about the truths of God’s word.

Excerpts from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Principles are deep, fundamental truths and classic truths. (e.g., truths found in the Bible.)

Security

1. Your security is based on correct principles that do not change, regardless of external conditions or circumstances.

2. You know that true principles can repeatedly be validated in your own life, through your own experiences.

3. Correct principles help you understand your development, giving you the confidence to learn more, thereby increasing your knowledge and understanding.

4. Your source of security provides you with an immovable, unchanging, unfailing core, enabling you to see change as an exciting adventure and opportunity to make significant contributions.

Guidance

1. You are guided by a compass, which enables you to see where you want to go and how you will get there.

2. You use accurate data, which makes your decisions both implementable and meaningful.

3. You stand apart from life’s situations, emotions, and circumstances, and look at the balanced whole. Your decisions and actions reflect both short- and long-term considerations and implications.

4. In every situation, you consciously, proactively determine the best alternative, basing decisions on conscience educated by principles.

Wisdom

1. Your judgment encompasses a broad spectrum of long-term consequences and reflects a wise balance and quiet assurance.

2. You see things differently and thus you think and act differently from the largely reactive world.

3. You see the world in terms of what you can do for the world and its people.

4. You adopt a proactive lifestyle, seeking to serve and build others.

5. You interpret life’s experiences in terms of opportunities for learning and contribution.

Power

1. Your power is limited only by your understanding and observance of natural law and correct principles and by the natural consequences of the principles themselves.

2. You become a self-aware, knowledgeable, proactive individual, largely unrestricted by the attitudes, behaviors, or actions of others.

3. Your ability to act reaches far beyond your own resources and encourages highly developed levels of interdependency.

4. Your decisions and actions are not driven by your current financial or circumstantial limitations. You experience an interdependent freedom.

Remember that your paradigm (biblical concepts) is the source from which your attitudes and behaviors flow. A paradigm is like a pair of glasses; it affects the way you see everything in your life. …As a principle-centered person, you try to stand apart from the emotion of the situation and from other factors that would act on you, and evaluate the options. Looking at the balanced whole–the work needs, the family needs, other needs that may be involved and the possible implications of the various alternative decisions–you’ll try to come up with the best solution, considering all factors.

Writing and Using a Personal Mission Statement

Personal responsibility, or proactivity, is fundamental to the first creation. Returning to the computer metaphor, Habit 1 says, “You are the programmer.” Habit 2, then says, “Write the program.” Until you accept the idea that you are responsible, that you are the programmer, you won’t really invest in writing the program. …As proactive people, we can begin to give expression to what we want to be and to do in our lives. We can write a personal mission statement, a personal constitution.

Writing or reviewing a mission statement changes you because it forces you to think through your priorities deeply, carefully, and to align your behavior with your beliefs.

Using Your Whole Brain

Our self-awareness empowers us to examine our own thoughts. This is particularly helpful in creating a personal mission statement because the two unique human endowments that enable us to practice Habit 2–imagination and conscience–are primarily functions of the right side of the brain. Two Ways To Tap The Right Brain: Through the powers of your imagination, you can visualize your own funeral, as we did at the beginning of this chapter. Write your own eulogy. Actually write it out. Be specific. What would you like your family to say about you. What would you like your friends to say about you. What would you like your co-workers to say about you.

Suppose I am a parent who really deeply loves my children. Suppose I identify that as one of my fundamental values in my personal mission statement. But suppose, on a daily basis, I have trouble overreacting. I can use my right brain power of visualization to write an “affirmation” that will help me become more congruent with my deeper values in my daily life. A good affirmation has five basic ingredients: it’s personal, it’s positive, it’s present tense, it’s visual, and it’s emotional. So I might write something like this: “It is deeply satisfying (emotional) that I (personal) respond (present tense) with wisdom, love, firmness, and self-control (positive) when my children misbehave.”

Then I can visualize it. I can spend a few minutes each day and totally relax my mind and body. I can think about situations in which my children might misbehave. The more clearly and vividly I can imagine the detail, the more deeply I will experience it, the less I will see it as a spectator. Then I can see her do something very specific which normally makes my heart pound and my temper start to flare. But instead of seeing my normal response, I can see myself handle the situation with all the love, the power, the self-control I have captured in my affirmation. I can write the program, write the script, in harmony with my values, with my personal mission statement. And if I do this, day after day my behavior will change. Instead of living out of the scripts given to me by my own parents or by society or by genetics or my environment, I will be living out of the script I have written from my own self-selected value system. …all the world-class athletes and other peak performers are visualizers. They see it; they feel it; they experience it before they actually do it. They begin with the end in mind.

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I pray you are inspired to read your Bible to learn more about developing Christ-centered principles. For the sake of time, I will write about Christ-centered principles in the next post.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

Contact me at hopeforcompletehealing@gmail.com, and ask for a PDF of Eight Life-changing Prayers from the Bible. The prayers are for the Spirit of wisdom, renewal, spiritual strength, knowledge of His will, virtues of God, non-believers, 23rd Psalm, and victory. I will also send you the Lord’s Prayer Model to pray effectively. Please leave your name, so I know you are a real person making the request.

Three ways to Unlock Your Potential: Achieving Goals Continued

Do you ever say you can’t do that, or that I am not good enough? You may think you can’t do something, but why do you believe that? Often, our unhealthy beliefs cripple our ability to achieve great goals. I had a goal of being a Data Processing Instructor. When I told my mother I wanted to go to college, she said I was too stupid. That could have ended my teaching ambitions.

What Prevents You From Achieving Your Goals?

In my previous post, “Twelve Ways to Achieve Healthy Goals,” I explained how to write a mission statement and the goals to achieve your mission in life. In this post, I aim to help you overcome the unhealthy beliefs that hinder your ability to achieve your desired goals. The following three statements outline how we often get stuck and fail to achieve goals, and how to think differently.

I will use my unique human capacities of self-awareness, imagination, and conscience to examine old scripts and write new ones.
I will live out of my imagination instead of my memory.
I will tie myself to my limitless potential, rather than my limiting past.

What keeps us from achieving our goals? Living out of old scripts from memories where people limited your abilities. When you were a child, you may not remember exactly what people said or how they limited you, but the actions created an unhealthy belief that you internalized. These unhealthy beliefs dictate scripts that control your thoughts and ultimately your destiny.

How I Overcame My Limiting Past.

I grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional home and in poverty. The house was built in 1890 and was full of lead and asbestos. All these factors limited my brain’s ability to grow in intelligence. I knew I could be smart because both my parents were very intelligent. I strongly believed my environment restricted my ability to achieve and be mentally healthy. I dissociated for several years to cope with the abuse. I struggled to learn and had to take remedial reading classes in 7^th and 8^th grade.

It is a good thing I am goal oriented because I could have believed my mother’s words and adopted that mentality, but I didn’t. In my post called HOW TO BE PROACTIVE: cont. I explained why I pursued an education degree to become a Computer Science teacher.

About 30 years later, God put it in my heart to continue my education. I didn’t know what subject. He led me to pursue a master’s degree in Adult Education and developing distance education courses. I loved designing curriculum, so I felt that it was a good fit. But I still had the unhealthy belief that I was stupid and couldn’t learn, and it had been 30 years since I was in school. God led me to read the book “Switching on Your Brain” by Dr. Caroline Leaf. In that book, she explained neuroplasticity and how the brain can grow, and how we limit our potential. She stated that we have the mind of Christ (1Cor. 2:16). If I possess the mind of Christ, I am exceptionally intelligent as He created the Universe and everything known and unknown in our world. I changed my unhealthy belief to the truth of God’s word. I used my unique human capacities of self-awareness, imagination, and conscience to examine old scripts and write new ones. I applied to graduate school, was accepted, and got straight As. I completed a post-baccalaureate certificate in distance education because my university’s layoff removed my tuition benefit.

How to Change Old Scripts and Unleash Limitless Potential.

I asked God what He wanted me to do after I am laid off, and He said, “Write a book.” I thought, “No way. I can’t write. I have no idea what to write. Who would read something I would write?” These and many other unhealthy beliefs kept me from obeying God. When I shared what God told me and my thoughts with a godly old man, he said, “Be like Gideon.” Those words were so powerful and life-giving. If you haven’t read the story about Gideon or it’s been a while, I encourage you to read it (Judges 6-7). Words have power, which I explain in the posts WORDS HAVE POWER—Part I: Overcoming The Destruction of Offensive Words and WORDS HAVE POWER—PART II: Words Produce Death or Life Energy.

I discovered later why God wanted me to take writing-intensive graduate classes. These classes forced me to learn how to write, and in the process, I read many grammar books. I also discovered Grammarly.com. When I asked God what He wanted me to write about, and He said, “You already wrote it.” I was like “What?” He showed me that He wanted me to turn my prison Bible Study notes and my testimony of Complete Healing into a published book. I ended up writing two books, which I list at the end of this post. That was when God told me to create a website to write blogs and share my testimony book “Hope for Complete Healing” with anyone who wanted to read it. Take inventory of what you believe about your abilities, then look for scriptures to rewrite those scripts.

Conclusion

Many people have taken their limits and turned them around when they believed in God’s ability to help them, and having people around who encouraged them. Check out Joni Eareckson Tada’s story and marvel at how she allowed God to use her paraplegic body. You can read about her in Joni Eareckson Tada Shares Her New Resolve After 55 Years in a Wheelchair. Also research the achievements of Helen Keller, who was born blind and deaf. You may have physical limits, but you don’t have to live according to old scripts and unhealthy beliefs.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

TWELVE WAYS TO ACHIEVE HEALTHY GOALS

Have you ever wondered what people would think about you once you’re gone? Are you tired of never achieving your ideal life? Do you struggle to stay focused on achieving your goals? I have noticed how mentally unhealthy people live a chaotic life, and they go from one crisis to another. Your life may not be that bad, but is it your best? What could you improve? This post will explain how to set and achieve goals and live your healthiest, best life.

A mentally healthy person thinks grateful, productive thoughts. Before my memory healing, I could not control my thoughts because my unhealthy beliefs from hurtful memories controlled my thoughts. I could not have a healthy relationship with anyone. Since healing my memories, I can now take my pitiful, negative thoughts captive and transform them into positive, thankful thoughts. You may think you had a wonderful childhood, and that could be the case, but we live in a sinful, hurting world. No one evades getting a wounded heart. Often, a positive attitude hides the wounds, but they still exist and contribute to mental illness. One goal is to achieve mental health by healing the wounds in your heart.

After leaving my abusive husband, I had a goal to know how a mentally healthy person acts. I knew I was part of the problem and needed to change. But how? Going to counseling, church, Bible Studies, and reading my Bible did not change how I thought; I just felt more guilty. One of the books I read was Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. In my last two posts, I discussed the first habit: being proactive and taking the initiative. The second habit is cultivating thoughts to achieve a desired outcome.

The first thought discipline of the 12 ways changed the trajectory of my life. I wanted to be seen as a kind person, not an angry one. What would people say about me at my funeral? As I reflected on how people perceive me, I began to make a conscious choice to make emotionally healthy choices. However, I first had to heal the hurtful memories that kept me angry. I explain how I did this in my book, Breaking Mental Strongholds, and in my website book, which is a condensed version.

I consolidated the second habit into twelve disciplines and right beliefs. I highly recommend reading Stephen Covey’s book to learn how I developed these twelve healthy ways of thinking to achieve your best life.

HABIT 2―Begin with the End in Mind

“By keeping that end clearly in mind, you can make certain that whatever you do on any particular day does not violate the criteria you have defined as supremely important, and that each day of your life contributes in a meaningful way to the vision you have of your life as a whole.” Stephen Covey.

I will keep the end of my life clearly in my mind. What do I want others to say at my funeral?
I will make sure my life contributes each day in a meaningful way to the vision of my life.
I will use my unique human capacities of self-awareness, imagination, and conscience to examine old scripts and write new ones.
I will determine if my ladder is leaning against the right wall.
I will live out of my imagination instead of my memory.
I will tie myself to my limitless potential, rather than my limiting past.
I will develop and use a personal mission statement based on sound (Biblical) principles.
I will be principle-centered, not spouse-centered, family-centered, money-centered, work-centered, possession-centered, pleasure-centered, friend-centered, enemy-centered, church-centered, or self-centered. I will be Christ-centered, showing love to everyone.
As a principle-centered person, I will try to separate myself from the emotion of the situation and from other factors that might affect me and evaluate the options.
I will imagine myself practicing my personal mission statement.
I will define goals for each of my roles according to the principles in my mission statement to achieve a balance.
I will develop and use a family mission statement to improve my family and our response to crisis.

Example of a Mission Statement?

A mission is setting goals to achieve something or create a desired outcome. For example, I produced the following personal mission statements and explained how to accomplish them.

My guiding principle is 2 Corinthians 5:10, which states, “For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” What I do will have eternal value or contribute to it.

My life will reflect the following principles: 2Corinthians 5:14a&15b, which states, “For the love of Christ controls us (me), … those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.”

In my work, I will pray for those I work with and be kind in what I say and do.
In my home, I will give preference to my family’s interests and desires; Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4) Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
I will encourage my family to love God and to pursue holiness as I show them love and live in peace with them; Ephesians 4:2-3, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
In my church family, I will value my brothers and sisters in Christ by acknowledging them, saying a kind word, or doing a kind deed. I will testify to the power of God’s Word to transform my life and their lives.

I will be heavenly-minded and not worldly-minded.

I will seek to support Christian missions in growing the kingdom of God.
I will fill my mind with scripture and memorize it so I do not sin: Psalm 119:11, “I have hidden Your Word in my heart, so that I might not sin against You.”
I will not view worthless things that do not inspire me to do good and love well. (see Ps. 119:37, Ps 101:3).
I will do 1Thessalonians 5:16-18 to.

Rejoice always by thinking on the things above—Col. 3:1-3;

pray without ceasing and turn every thought into a prayer;

give thanks in all circumstances and not grumble or complain because I am His workmanship—Ephesians 2:10 and Philippians 2:13.

I will not seek to fulfill the desires that draw me away from my devotion to God.
I will not desire worldly possessions beyond reasonable needs.

I will make my time count for eternity.

To bless others through serving them as Christ did when He was on this earth (Matt. 20:28; Phil 2:3-7).
Seek and save the lost (Luke 19:1) by leading people to a saving knowledge of Christ Jesus through my blog, at the County jail, and Good News Clubs. 1John 4:17 states, “By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.”
Teach Sunday School.
Hand out New Testament Bibles and be a good witness of the love of Christ.

I wrote the above mission statement in 1999 after reading about Habit 2. I still live by this mission. I hope and pray you found this post helpful and encouraging.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.

HOW TO BE PROACTIVE: cont.

Would you change anything about yourself or your life? Making changes is risky, and doing something hard is scary. You may fail, but you will never know the possibilities if you don’t take the risk. Being proactive means you evaluate your options, the risks, and the possibilities. You then make a decision based on your evaluation and desired outcomes. Being proactive means you take the initiative to make things happen even when it does not make sense or is difficult. In my last post, I shared the 10 ways to be proactive, the first being, “I can choose my response.” “I will use proactive language: ‘I choose to be thankful.’ ‘I am in control of my feelings and will forgive.’ ‘Let’s look at the alternatives.’” In this post, I will explain how to apply the other ways to be proactive.

Proactively Achieve Desirable Outcomes

Proverbs 10:4 states, “A slack hand causes poverty, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.” Being proactive requires diligence even when it is hard. I wanted to go to college even though I wasn’t smart. My mother said I was too dumb. I applied anyway and was accepted. I had to take the SAT twice to get the minimum score to be accepted into college. Another traumatic issue was that my mother did not support me or help me in any way. I had to drive myself to college when all the other students had their parents bring them. I also had to work part-time to pay my bills. This experience was tough, but I learned I can do anything I set my mind to doing with God’s help. I never gave up. I am happy I proactively took the risk to attend college because many great opportunities were available. Are you diligent in doing things that are hard to achieve something desirable?

Do you want to change a sinful habit or addiction? It is tough to break sinful patterns and addictions. Ephesians 4:22-24 explains, “To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Rather than living a defeated life because of my old life, I proactively sought counselors, read self-help books, memorized scriptures, and prayed. I still struggled with my sinful behaviors, but I kept striving for a solution. Then I discovered the power of healing my trauma memories, forgiving, and giving up unhealthy beliefs and negative thoughts to live a new life. Facing my trauma and forgiving those who hurt me was hard, but the outcome was freedom. I can now feel love, joy, peace, be patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, and self-controlled.

Focus On What You Can Do, Change, and Influence.

You can only change yourself and influence others who want to change. When I became more like Christ, my husband changed as well. You can influence those around you through kindness and living in peace with them. But if someone is not willing to change, you cannot change that circumstance. Proverbs 12:18 explains, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” You can change your physical position and attitude (beliefs) toward a hurtful person. You can proactively choose different friends and activities.

Proverbs 12:26a states, “One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor.” Your neighbor is anyone you can be kind to or patient with and have a positive influence on. For example, if someone is being abusive, a spouse, boss, co-worker, or friend, you can proactively tell them how their actions are hurtful. Then, set boundaries and not associate with them if they continue to be unloving and abusive. You can also stay in forgiveness and peace by not allowing their weakness to control your thoughts. Remember, thoughts determine your feelings, beliefs, and behavior. A hurtful, abusive person is acting out of the trauma of their childhood.

Being Proactive is About Making Good Choices.

Before making good choices, you must understand what drives you to make bad choices. One source is your sinful flesh. James 1:14-15 declares, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. ¹⁵Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” If this is the case, James 4:7 explains how to make a good choice: “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” It is a good choice to put off your old sinful nature through prayer and put on your new self of love to be like Christ (Col. 3:1-17).

Another source that leads you to make bad choices is your past unhealthy beliefs and wrong thinking, which were programmed in your heart by traumatic events. You can proactively choose to be more loving by changing from the inside out through the power of prayer and forgiveness, which heals your memories and changes unhealthy beliefs and wrong thinking. You accomplish this by first submitting to God, resisting the devil, and putting off unhealthy beliefs and destructive thoughts that influence you to make bad choices.

A Proactive Person Admits Their Mistakes and Corrects Them.

Do you desire to have healthy relationships with people? If you make a mistake, you can proactively admit and correct it. For example, if you were rude or not patient with someone, you can humbly admit you were wrong and apologize. If you lied about something, you must admit it and tell the truth to restore your integrity. If you lose your temper, confess your sin to God and the person, then seek God to show you what childhood trauma needs to be healed through forgiveness or what unhealthy beliefs need to be changed. Read my website book to learn more about how to do this.

May God bless you richly as you think proactively about doing hard things, making right choices, admitting you are wrong, and correcting your mistakes.

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My latest book, Unlocking God’s Promises, explains 18 categories of relevant promises to each of our lives. It also includes the promises in Psalm 91.

If you find this website helpful, you would like to read Breaking Mental Strongholds, which expands on my website book and includes many of my posts.